Totally Radical Sportz!

King Family Residence – Episode 2.02

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 08/14/2010

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 2 – “The Riot”

(Martin, Mustard & Bennie are sitting off in a corner, having breakfast in the cafeteria and plotting the day’s events..)

Martin: Okay, I think we’ve got this down pat. We’re all clear?

(Bennie & Mustard nod..)

Bennie: (leans back and puts his hands behind his head with a satisfied grin)  I’m gonna be back in your hole by sundown, Marty.

Mustard: (glances at Martin with a piqued interest)

Martin: (shakes his head)  It’s literally a hole in my front yard. He lives there now with my Mexican slave. We were digging for oil, it’s a long story. Anyway, when’s this riot supposed to “jump off” as the kids say.

Mustard: (checks his watchless wrist)  Around two.

Martin: (with a sinister grin)  Yes, it’s all coming together as planned.  (elbows Bennie in the side, giggles)  I’ve always wanted to say that!

Mustard: (claps his hands together excitedly)  I can’t wait! I love prison escapes!

Martin: (frowns)  Wait, you’ve done this before?

Mustard: (nods, looks away distractedly)  Oh yeah, every couple months or so some new hotshot comes in here and thinks he’s got some foolproof plan. I tag along, I just like the exhilaration.

Martin: (growing a bit worried)  Huh, that would’ve been good to have known a couple days ago..

Mustard: (cracks his knuckles, opens his fruit cup)  Yup, nobody’s ever broken out of Charleston Correctional. That’s why they call it “‘Ol No-Break Charleston”.

Bennie: (clears his throat nervously, glances at Martin)

Martin: (shakes his head)  Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter. This plan is foolproof!

Bennie: But, didn’t you hear what he just said?

Martin: (glares at Bennie, raising his voice)  FOOLPROOF!


(Back home, Paco & Pancho are sitting around the kitchen table teaching Kato some weird Mexican card game..)

Pancho: (quietly)  And when you draw a two, you have to eat a bean.  (motions toward a pile of beans in the center of the table, smiling)

Kato: (picks one up, scrunches his nose)  A raw bean?

Pancho: (nods, smiling)

Kato: (eyes light up)  I bet I can eat more beans than you!

Paco: (slams the table)  Santa Maria! We have a Bean-Off!


(Martin is in the visiting room, speaking to Osaku..)

Martin: Where are the kids?

Osaku: (waves her hand)  Oh, the slaves are watching them.

Martin: Slaves? Plural? We have more than one now?

Osaku: We have two.

Martin: Sweet. Did they bud asexually?

Osaku: …no.

Martin: Well, I’m sorry that you drove all the way up here, darling.

Osaku: Why? I miss you.

Martin: (grinning, knowingly)  Oh, I have a feeling you’ll be seeing plenty of me real soon.

Osaku: So, you’re escaping?

Martin: (slams a fist on the table)  Dammit! How did you figure that out so immediately?

Osaku: Honey, you can’t escape from prison. If they caught you, they’d put you away for good and you’ve only got four and a half months left to serve. Why risk it all?

Martin: That’s the thing though, dear. They’ll never catch us! It’s foolproof!

Osaku: Who are you, D.B. Cooper? What, are we gonna go on the lam?

Martin: What’s wrong with the lam? Why does everybody always bad-mouth the lam?

Osaku: You’d be willing to uproot your entire family instead of serve four more months?

Martin: Honey, this place is Hell! It’s a living Hell. Every day is unbridled pain and agony! It’s like being in a prison!

Osaku: Weren’t you just telling me about that two-hand-touch football game you played at – what did you call it – ‘prison recess’?

Martin: Yeah, but my team lost! This place blows.

Osaku: Listen, you’ve just gotta suck it up and serve your time. This family cannot afford to lose you.

Martin: Sure you can!

Osaku: Well, of course we can. But we’d rather not.

Martin: Sure you would. I remember you’ve said something to that effect many times.

Osaku: Well, yeah but..  (stares off into the distance with a glazed look for a moment before returning)  Look, just don’t do anything silly. We want you back home. Our Mexican slaves are no replacement for you.

Martin: (presses his palm against the glass)  Awww.


(Back home, Kato is dancing on the kitchen table while Pancho vomits a mouthful of raw beans..)

Paco: (laughing, wiping the tears from his eyes)  Pancho, you got beaned!


(Two-o-clock comes and goes and Mustard, Martin & Bennie are gathered in Martin’s cell waiting patiently for the riot to “jump off”..)

Martin: (checks his watch)  Christ, a half-hour late. What kind of prison are you running here?

Mustard: (urges calm)  Relax. Sometimes it takes ’em a little while to get in the mood. It’s like a middle school dance; boys on one side, girls on the other. They’re just waiting for somebody to make the first move.

Bennie: (leaps up off the toilet)  Whoa, there’s girls here?

Martin: (rises up off the bottom bunk)  That’s it.

(Martin grabs Mustard’s shiv and wanders into the common area, neighboring prisoners eyeing him closely. With one swift motion he plunges the shiv into his guts and drops to the floor..)

Bennie: (runs out next to Martin, cupping his hands to his mouth)  FOOD FIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! Whoops, I mean PRISON RIOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(There’s a clattering of commotion and hundreds of prisoners pile out of their cells and overcome the CO’s in a cloud of chaos. Bennie drags the bloody Martin back into his cell and he hands Mustard back his shiv..)

Martin: That hurt a lot more than I thought it would!

Mustard: What are you, nuts?

Martin: Somebody had to do something!

Mustard: (shakes his wrists, cringing)  Ooh, I don’t like blood!

(Martin screams and slams the floor while Bennie lays flimsy toilet paper plies over the gaping wound..)

Martin: You shiv people all the time!

Mustard: Yeah, but I don’t look at it!

Bennie: (jumps up and down)  Guys, the plan!

Martin: (nods, tears running down his face)  Right. Mustard: Go get us three guards.

Mustard: (sprints out of the cell and returns minutes later with three unconscious CO’s)  Will these do?

Martin: Perfect. Strip ’em down!

Mustard: (grins devilishly)  Don’t mind if I do. Can I mustard ’em?

Martin: (scowls)  No mustard!

(Mustard strips the three guards and the three convicts don their uniforms. Martin puts on the biggest guard’s uniform and struggles to his feet. Mustard crams his hulking frame into the medium guard’s uniform and points at Martin..)

Mustard: Maybe I should wear that one.

Martin: (shakes his head)  I need a billowy crotch. Gotta keep it loose and airy down there.

Mustard: Can we switch shirts at least?

Martin: No. Let’s move!

(Bennie & Mustard carry the injured Martin into the common area where the riot is in full swing..)

Martin: Make your way to the door, Mustard!

(The three disguised convicts make their way through the chaos and prisoners begin to recognize them as they pass by. One prisoner pauses from repeatedly stabbing a CO and taps him on the shoulder, motioning toward the three men..)

Prisoner: Say, isn’t that Mustard?

CO: (nods, furrowing his brow)  Oh yeah, and those new guys from Rumford. What the heck are they doin’?

Prisoner: (shrugs, continues stabbing the CO)

(Mustard, Martin & Bennie make their way through the various locked gates and are at the front door when Warden Corbin steps in front of them..)

Corbin: Looks like you’ve got a sick man there, fellas.

(Mustard and Bennie nod nervously while Martin drools, nearly unconscious from massive blood loss..)

Corbin: Why don’t we take him upstairs to the medic?

Bennie: (clears his throat, his voice cracking)  I thought we’d take him down the street to Dover-Foxcroft Medical.

Corbin: (laughs)  I think we both know your medical plan doesn’t cover that.

Martin: (drools, voice garbled, chokes out)  HMO.

Corbin: Upstairs, boys.

(Mustard & Bennie pout and turn around..)

Mustard: Okay.

Martin: (weakly mutters)  Noooooo.


(That evening, a stitched-up and doped-up Martin King rejoins Mustard and Bennie in his cell and plops down on the bottom bunk..)

Martin: Almost, fellas. Almost.

Bennie: (nods)  Yeah, that was a good try. Practice makes perfect.

Mustard: (crocheting on the top bunk)  Maybe next time you don’t shiv yourself.

Martin: (turns over on his side, facing the wall)  Maybe you should…not…shiv yourself.

Bennie: (smiles)  Well, one positive came out of this riot. I stole something. Something big!

(Mustard and Martin glance over at him..)

Mustard: Keys?

Martin: Guns?

Mustard: Shovels?

Martin: Candy?

Bennie: (grins and opens his fist, revealing a handful of dice)  Yahtzee!

Tagged with: , ,

Comments Off on King Family Residence – Episode 2.02

%d bloggers like this: