A Heart-To-Heart With AIDS
AIDS, can you get in here? Your mother and I need to talk to you.
Just put the Wii controller down, this will only take a second.
We want to talk to you about what you’ve been doing for the past couple decades. It just seems like you’ve been wasting your life.
Take the earbuds out, mister. We need to have this talk. Your mother and I don’t want you to look back at your life thirty years from now and think about what might have been. And also about all the people you killed.
It’s just that we love you, AIDS. We care about you deeply. You’re still our shining baby boy. And these days, we’re about the only people left in your life who actually love you.
Your mother doesn’t like the sort of people you’ve been hanging out with lately. Personally, we both think HIV has been a bad influence on you. What about CCR5-D32? He seems nice.
No, he’s not trying to kill you. That’s preposterous.
And the women you’ve been seeing lately. I know you have an affinity for young urban inner city black girls, but you just end up breaking their hearts. Or killing them.
That’s no way to treat a lady.
Admittedly, it is better than your little experimentation stage back in the Eighties. I realize it’s healthy to try new things; but monkeys? Really?
Don’t worry, we didn’t tell anybody.
And stop picking on the Africans! Don’t you think they’ve been through enough as it is? What with all the poverty and the Angelina Jolie visits? Poor Africa.
Now, AIDS: Don’t cry. Your mother still gets nervous that she can catch you when you do that.
Well, maybe she has an open sore! You don’t know! She could have lots of open sores! She’s your mother; she can have as many open sores as she likes!
I’ve read science journals that refute that.
Oh, yeah. ‘Cause Wikipedia’s always right.
Let’s just drop it. I’m sorry for yelling. It’s just that this has been building up for a while now. It’s not completely your fault. I mean – again – that HIV character has been an extremely bad influence. I just feel that you can do so much better. You could do amazing things with your life if you just put your mind to it.
I don’t know, pick up a hobby. Try quilting. Or miniature ship-building. Do something productive with your life. Don’t just sit around all day watching Hulu and weakening peoples’ immune systems.
Alright, I think we had a good talk here. Now, your mother and I have to go out; so you’ve got the house to yourself for a couple hours. We’re going to a charity walk against you. We should be back by five, there’s leftover meatloaf in the fridge.
Don’t take it personal. We’re just doing it for the free t-shirts.