King Family Residence – Episode 2.01
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Season 2, Episode 1 – “Mustard Jackson”
Martin: Goddammit, Mustard!
(Martin King is on the bottom bunk of his prison cell in Charleston Correctional Facility in Dover Foxcroft, Maine; a hundred miles northeast of his hometown of Rumford..)
Martin: This bunk’s a-rockin‘! Are you crankin’ one out up there?
Martin: Goddammit, Mustard!
(Martin King has been incarcerated for seven months of his twelve-month stay and tension is running high in Cell Block J. A CO knocks on the cell bars..)
CO: King! You got a visit–oh, c’mon Mustard!
(Mustard Jackson guffaws as Martin leaves the cell covering his eyes.)
(In the visitor’s room, Martin is greeted by his old friend and proprietor of Jafar’s Bazaar, Jafar al-Abin..)
Jafar: Hello, Martin.
Martin: Jafar! Man, it’s good to see you. How’s the shop?
Jafar: We’ve curiously been having some of our best business ever since you were detained.
Martin: (strokes his chin, perplexed) Interesting. People must require a lot of comfort food to get over the fact that I’m gone.
Jafar: Perhaps. And how are things in here?
Martin: Oh, it’s great. Three square meals a day, lots of activities. I made a license plate today!
Martin: ‘Course I was s’posed to make like twenty or something, so I got whipped pretty severely; but whatever.
Jafar: That sounds terrible.
Martin: No, it’s fine. Everything’s fine. ‘Cept for my roommate.
Jafar: Aren’t they more commonly referred to as ‘cellmates’?
Martin: We went with ‘roommate’. ‘Cellmate’ sounds too prison-y.
Jafar: Ah. So what seems to be the matter with your roommate? Is he raping you?
Martin: What? No! Gross, dude. Where the hell would you get something like that?
Jafar: Well, this is a prison.
Martin: Get your mind outta the gutter. Any updates on getting me out of here?
Jafar: I’ve spoken with Mr. Blansky on a number of occasions. He says he can do nothing more.
Martin: ‘Nothing more’? He hasn’t done anything at all!
Jafar: With the charges leveled against you, it was remarkable – miraculous, even – that you only got a year. Mr. Blansky worked extremely hard on your case. In our last meeting, he said something to the effect of, “You wouldn’t believe who I had to blow to get him twelve months.”
Martin: (chortles) Ha, gay blowjobs. Ooh, that’s a good band name. Gimme your pen so I can write that down. I’m coming up with band names; thinking of starting a band while I’m cooped up in here.
Jafar: Does the prison supply instruments?
Martin: I think we’re just gonna do it Stomp-style, on buckets.
Jafar: Oh, I almost forgot; we have one more thing to discuss.
Martin: What’s that?
(Across town, Bennie is in the middle of holding up a Jo-Ann Fabrics..)
Bennie: Empty the register, Jo-Ann!
Clerk: Sir, I’ve told you already: My name’s not Jo-Ann and I’ve already given you everything we have.
Bennie: Well…gimme some fabric, then!
Clerk: Don’t you think you should, you know, get away or something?
(Bennie peers out the front window at the approaching DFPD squad cars..)
Bennie: (grinning) Not…just…yet.
Martin: (shoots up out of his seat) He’s gonna WHAT??!
Jafar: Shh, Martin. Please sit down.
Martin: (sits down and leans against the glass, whispering loudly) He’s gonna imprison himself to help me escape?
Jafar: Apparently he’s been watching a lot of Prison Break DVDs on his television in the front yard hole.
Martin: Aw, he got into my DVDs? See, this is what happens when you get imprisoned. Your meth-head friend climbs up out of the hole you dug for him in your front yard and steals your bootlegs. Unbelievable.
Jafar: I think the larger concern here is the fact that our drug-addled friend is trying to get arrested, charged, arraigned and imprisoned on purpose.
Martin: (nods) Yeah, you’re right Jafar. That is pretty hilarious.
Martin: And tragic, too. Totally tragic.
(Bennie is pointing a gun at the Dover-Foxcroft Sheriff parked outside the Jo-Ann Fabrics..)
Bennie: You ain’t takin’ me down, coppers!
Sheriff: Please, sir! Lower the weapon!
Bennie: You’ll never take me alive, pig!
Sheriff: Sir, we will use force if necessary! And please don’t call us pigs! It hurts our feelings!
Bennie: I smell bacon!
(Bennie fires his gun into the air three times and is immediately tackled by police..)
Bennie: Hogpile! Ooh, my rib!
(Jafar is still visiting Martin..)
Jafar: So, I think if we can get Bennie to come here and see you, you should be able to convince him his plan won’t work. He listens to you, as frightening as that sounds.
Martin: Yeah, I am pretty wise.
Martin: Call him. I’ll talk him out of it. Although it is a pretty awesome idea.
Jafar: Please don’t say that when you speak with him.
Martin: (crosses his fingers) I promise.
Jafar: (pulls out his cellphone) Good, I’ll call him now.
(Jafar dials and Martin sits there twiddling his thumbs..)
Martin: You got any snacks or anything?
(Jafar shakes his head and Martin pouts..)
Jafar: (hangs up, looking worried) We may have a problem.
Martin: You already said you don’t have any snacks.
(Bennie – beaming – takes a seat next to an annoyed Martin as Jafar glares at them from the other side of the glass..)
Bennie: Hey guys, what’s up?
Jafar: Are you satisfied with yourself, Benjamin?
Bennie: (nods, tapping his fingers together) Yes, it’s all coming to fruition.
Martin: (shrugs) Well, there’s no use in drudging up the past. We’re in this to win this now. So, Bennie: Enlighten us on your brilliant plan of escape.
Bennie: (chuckles condescendingly) Oh, Martin. A magician never reveals his tricks.
Martin: You’ve got nothing, don’t you?
Bennie: (shoulders slump) I figure we’ve got plenty of time to come up with something clever. Jafar, you should pretend to rob Jo-Ann Fabrics too. Three heads are better than two!
(Back at the King Family residence, Martin’s Mexican slave – Paco – is filling in for the departed patriarch. Paco, standing at the bedroom door in wife-beater & boxer-briefs, hollers downstairs..)
Paco: Mrs. King! It is time for the love-makeeng!
(Martin & Bennie are hanging out in Martin’s cell on the bottom bunk as Mustard Jackson sharpens a shank on the top bunk..)
Martin: I think Thursday’s prison riot will be the perfect distraction for us to make a break for it. Old Mustard here’s quite the stabber. He’ll take down five or six guys on his own before the CO’s detain him. Ain’t that right, Mustard?
Mustard: (not looking up from his shank) Mmhmm.
Bennie: (excited) Wow, a real-life prison riot! Cool! But what about Mustard? Won’t he wanna come with us?
(Martin – bug-eyed – waves his arms wildly, shaking his head at Bennie, when Mustard looks up..)
Mustard: Say, yeah! What about me? I wanna leave this hell-hole too!
Martin: (glares at Bennie, feigns surprise) What? No, you? Mustard, why would you wanna leave? You love this place! You got this prison on a string!
Mustard: (pouts) I hate jail! Everybody here’s just scared of me ’cause I’m bigger than them.
Martin: (nods) And also you stab a lot of them.
Mustard: (jumps off his bunk and points the shank inadvertently at the boys) C’monnn, lemme come with you!
Martin: (lowers Mustard’s shank carefully) Alright, alright. You can come. But you do realize that if we’re escaping during this riot you’re not gonna be able to stab anyone, right?
Mustard: (pouts again) Oh, fine.
Bennie: (leans back on the bottom bunk, hands behind his head) Say, why do they call you “Mustard” anyway?
Martin: (edges away from Bennie) Oh jeez, now ya done did it.
(Mustard grins, grabs Bennie, bends him over and shoves a bottle of mustard up his ***; squeezing hard as Bennie screams in agony..)
Martin: (cringes) Ooh, he’s using the dijon!
(That evening before lockdown, Martin, Mustard & Bennie are hatching their grand scheme..)
Martin: Bennie, where the heck are we gonna get clown costumes?
Bennie: (shrugs) I dunno. Don’t they have a jail convenience store or something?
Mustard: (shakes his head) I don’t like clowns.
Bennie: (snaps his fingers) What about cowboys and indians?
Mustard: (nods) I like cowboys.
Bennie: (grins and pats Mustard on the back) Well howdy, cowpoke!
Martin: (getting annoyed) No costumes!
Bennie: How are we gonna start this riot, anyway? Shiv a prison guard?
Martin: (frowns) Dude, we’re not gonna start anything. It’s already scheduled. Didn’t they give you a calendar at intake?
Bennie: Why in the world would a prison schedule a prison riot?
Mustard: Keeps us fresh.
Martin: So we’re clear on the plan?
(Mustard and Bennie nod..)
Bennie: I just hope my cowboy hat fits..
(The next morning, Osaku comes downstairs to find Paco and another small Mexican man at her kitchen table..)
Osaku: Who’s this?
Paco: Hola, Senorita. This is my cousin, Pancho.
Paco: Is it okay if Pancho lives in my hole with me while Bennie is away?
Pancho: (smiles) I can clean.
Osaku: (sighs) I gotta get that shyster lawyer on the phone.
(After lockup, Martin tucks into his bottom bunk as Mustard climbs up onto the top..)
Martin: Get a good night’s sleep, Mustard. We gotta be rested for tomorrow.
Mustard: This is gonna be fun. Can’t wait to shank a buncha fools.
Martin: No! No shanking! Remember?
Mustard: (smiles) Night, Martin.
Martin: Night, Mustard.
(Martin begins to drift off to sleep when Mustard chimes in..)
Mustard: You sure you don’t want me to rape ya?
Martin: (scowls) Good night, Mustard.