King Family Residence – Episode 1.17
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 17 – “The Trial”
(Martin King answers a knock at the front door and is met by a nondescript man in a dark suit who hands him a stack of paper..)
Martin: Man, you are one professional paper boy.
Man: Mr. King, you’ve been served.
(The man walks away & Martin scowls at him, shaking the papers over his head..)
Martin: You didn’t even dance!
(Martin slaps the affidavit down on the front counter at Jafar’s Bazaar..)
Martin: Can you believe this crap?
Bennie: No! (hollering from back at the ice cream freezer)
Jafar: (dons his glasses) You are being sued. This does not surprise me.
Martin: Yeah, but look who’s suing me!
Jafar: The Town of Rumford.
Martin: Huh? What’s up with that?
Jafar: Well, you have done some terrible, terrible things in this town.
Martin: Yeah, but what’s Rumford?
Jafar: Rumford is the town we are currently in. Your home.
Martin: Ohhh, I always thought it was Springfielb.
Martin: Nevermind, dude. I already feel dumb enough. So can you help me with this whole trial thing? You’re always good at getting me out of scrapes.
Jafar: I am a shopkeeper. Not a lawyer.
Martin: Well, don’t you know anybody? You must go to court all the time for, you know, lookin’ like a terrorist and stuff.
Jafar: (sets the affidavit down) I am done.
Bennie: I can help you, bro.
(Bennie puts an arm around Martin, his face smeared with what Martin hopes is chocolate ice cream..)
Bennie: I got a guy.
(Martin & Bennie are on the second floor of a skeevy strip mall on the outskirts of Rumford, sitting in the waiting room of The Law Offices of Joe Blansky..)
Martin: This Joe Blansky guy, Bennie – is he any good?
Bennie: (nods) His bus stop bench ads say so. And he hablas Espanol.
Martin: Wow, smart.
Bennie: Yeah, he’s gotten me off a few pretty serious cases.
Bennie: (peers over at Martin warily) Yeah…drugs.
(Joe Blansky bursts out of his office door with a young giggly girl who runs out the front door while Joe wipes his nose..)
Blansky: We’ll talk more about that…case later, Britni!
Bennie: (shakes Joe’s hand) Mr. Blansky, this is Martin King. He’s in need of your services.
Blansky: (enthusiastically shakes Martin’s hand) Excellent! Excellent! Pleasure to meet you! You’re Oriental, I like that! Goes over well with the juries. They love Browns!
Blansky: Non-Whites. Come with me!
(Martin glances at Bennie and they follow Joe into his opulent office..)
Martin: Wow, lotta gold in here.
Blansky: That’s fool’s gold! Don’t tell anybody.
Martin: Wouldn’t think of it. So I’m being sued by the town.
Blansky: The whole town?
Martin: I think so.
Blansky: Oh, this is gonna be one helluva case. We could hit the front page of the Rumford Daily Ledger if we play our cards right. What are the charges?
Martin: (sheepishly rubs the back of his neck) Oh, there’s an assortment.
Blansky: Excellent, I like variety. That’s how my wife and I keep our marriage fresh.
Martin: (grins) By fucking around?
Blansky: (scowls) By purchasing variety packs of Nature Valley Granola Bars.
Blansky: It’s like a different flavor every morning!
(The morning of the trial, Martin & his family arrive at the Rumford Town Courthouse in their Sunday best. Martin takes his seat at the defendant’s table next to Joe Blansky who flashes him a thumbs-up and a grin. Martin points at Joe’s nose and he hastily wipes it..)
Guard: All rise for the honorable Judge Ito.
Martin: Oh, I always wondered what happened to that guy.
Blansky: (“whispers” loud enough for Ito to hear) Blew all his money on blow back in La-La Land.
(Judge Ito glares at the two men as prosecutor Tad Hunter – twice named Rumford’s Most Eligible Bachelor in Rumford Lifestyle Magazine – begins his opening remarks..)
Hunter: Ladies & gentlemen of the court, Martin Lanyard King is a scoundrel.
Martin: (raises his hand angrily) Objection!
Ito: (glares at Martin again) I’m gonna allow it.
Martin: (whispers to Joe) How does he know I’m a scoundrel?
(Prosecutor Tad Hunter continues his remarks..)
Hunter: Mr. King has shown a repeated affinity to bucking authority and absolving himself of the status quo. He is a threat to society and should be left to himself behind bars until some time in the distant future when he finally recognizes the lasting damage he has done to this town and atones for his sins.
(Joe Blansky elbows Martin in the ribs and he wakes up with a snort. Bennie laughs from the back of the courtroom and Judge Ito calls for Tad’s first witness..)
Martin: (whispers excitedly) This is gonna be like This Is Your Life!
Mr. Koch: He sold me volcano insurance to protect my home from a dump!
Martin: (rises up out of his chair) I gave you a reasonable rate, Goddammit!
Mrs. Meadows: He kidnapped our child!
Martin: I gave her back!
Chinaman: He dig hole in my rice paddy!
Martin: (angrily & confusedly) I thought that was a dream!
Farmer: He alleged I was part of a vast Zionist conspiracy!
Martin: (hands in the air) Prove you’re not!
Ito: Mr. King, must I remind you again to refrain from these loud outbursts during the prosecution?
Martin: Hey, did OJ really pay you off?
(Martin is now on the stand as Joe Blansky paces confidently before him..)
Blansky: Mr. King, do the allegations the devilishly handsome Mr. Hunter has leveled against you contain even the slightest, smallest granule of a grain of truth?
Martin: Well…yeah. It’s all true.
Blansky: (stops in his tracks) What.
Blansky: All of it?
Blansky: The kidnapping? The volcano insurance? The digging a hole to China?
Martin: Yeah. Well, actually the hole thing was my meth-head friend Bennie’s doing. Not sure why digging a hole to China is illegal, though.
Martin: Yeah, he’s sitting in the back there next to my Mexican slave, Paco. (waving) Hi, Paco!
Paco: (waving) Hi, meester!
Blansky: (shoulders slump) You have a slave?
Martin: (scoffs) C’mon man, it’s the Nineties.
Blansky: No, it’s not.
Martin: (turning to Judge Ito) Um, I rest my case your honor?
Blansky: You can’t say that!
Martin: (pointing at Joe Blansky) You’re out of order!
Ito: (gaveling) Mr. King! Please!
(Joe Blansky picks up his briefcase and hustles out of the courtroom..)
Blansky: (muttering to himself) Gotta start remembering to interview my clients better before court day!
Martin: (leans over to Judge Ito) C’mon, bro. We’re both Asian. Help a gook-brotha out.
(The next day in Martin King’s jail cell..)
STAY TUNED FOR SEASON TWO OF KING FAMILY RESIDENCE!