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King Family Residence – Episode 1.16

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 07/26/2010

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 16 – “The Car Bomb”

(Martin, Bennie & Paco are peeking out from Bennie & Paco’s hole in the Kings’ front yard..)

Bennie: (squints down the street)  Oh yeah, there it is.

Martin: You see it, Paco?

Paco: (glances sideways at Martin & back up the street)  Si.

Martin: (scowls at Paco)  You don’t see it, do you?

Paco: (looks down)  Si.

Martin: I knew it, such a liar.

Bennie: So, you’re positive?

Martin: (nods solemnly)  Yup. That, my friends, is a bonafide car bomb.

~~~

(The three men retreat to Martin’s backyard hole to devise a plan..)

Paco: Sound risky, señor.

Martin: That’s because it is risky Paco, my alien slave friend.

Paco: Oh.

Bennie: This sounds like more than a three-man job, Martin.

Martin: You wanna go four-man? We talkin’ a four-man job here? We gonna four-man this bitch?

Bennie: (nods)  Yeah, I think we need a fourth.

Martin: I have just the man for the job.

~~~

(Later, at Jafar’s Bazaar..)

Jafar: Good afternoon, gentlemen.

(Bennie heads straight for the ice cream freezer as Paco & Martin approach Jafar at the front counter..)

Martin: Jafar, my man, we got a pretty serious situation down on Holyoke Ave.

Jafar: (rolls his eyes)  And what, pray tell, is that? Did that giant dump mountain finally topple onto your home?

Martin: Nah, I got some poles holding that crap up. Nope, we’ve got terrorists.

Jafar: (continues reading the latest edition of Shopowner’s Magazine)  Do you now?

Martin: (scowls)  Yes we do, Mr. Sarcasm. We need your help.

Jafar: Why me?

Martin: You know.

Jafar: No, I do not. Explain.

Martin: C’mon…you know.

Jafar: Explicate.

Martin: The fuck you call me?

Jafar: Why do you need my help? Me, of all people.

Martin: Criminy, because you’re terrorist-colored, alright? There, ya happy?

Jafar: No.

Martin: Well, neither am I. Terrorists, Jafar. Real, live, prayin’-five-times-a-day terrorists!

Jafar: I highly doubt there are terrorists plotting on a rural road in Rumford, Maine.

Martin: Highly doubt all you like; but they’re there, dammit! And they’re thirsty for blood! The blood of the patriots!

Jafar: Really.

Martin: They’ve got a car bomb, Jafar!

Jafar: And how do you know this?

Martin: Strange car on my street. No new neighbors moving in. It’s got weird wires coming out the bottom of it. Car bomb. Boom.

(Paco is startled & knocks over an Altoids display..)

Martin: You alright there, slave?

Paco: I thought that was the car bomb, señor.

Martin: (chortles)  Silly slave!

Jafar: Slave?

Martin: Pet name. You in?

Jafar: (sighs)  Yes, I’m in.

Martin: Ha, pushover.

(Paco & Martin turn to leave and Bennie swings by the counter with an empty ice cream sandwich wrapper..)

Bennie: Hey, can I have this?

~~~

(Martin, Paco, Jafar & Bennie are crouched in Bennie & Paco’s hole in the front yard, peeking out at the alleged car bomb down the street..)

Jafar: So what is your plan, Martin?

Martin: We need to perform a controlled blast.

Jafar: Sounds dangerous.

Bennie: Sounds awesome! I got firecrackers.

Martin: (chuckles condescendingly)  I don’t think firecrackers are gonna blow that puppy up.

(Bennie reaches into a side-hole he dug in the wall of the main hole and pulls out a brick of C4, handing it to Martin who raises an eyebrow..)

Martin: This could work.

~~~

(Waiting until the dead of night, Martin sends Paco & Bennie – dressed in all black – to set up the C4 underneath the car bomb. Jafar & Martin are still in the hole, Jafar wearing a football helmet and Martin wearing some sort of safari hat..)

Jafar: Do you think it’s safe?

Martin: (takes off his hat & turns it over)  I dunno. Says it’s for kids, but–

Jafar: Not the hat. The C4.

Martin: Oh, that? Hell no.

(Jafar sighs deeply as Paco & Bennie come rushing back toward the hole and dive in..)

Martin: How much time, Paco my man?

Paco: Thirty seconds, señ–

KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The car erupts into the sky in a fiery orange blaze and car shrapnel rains down on the men in the hole. The quiet Rumford night is suddenly filled with the piercing sounds of car alarms and barking dogs as the neighborhood files out onto their lawns. Martin’s safari helmet is knocked off and he’s red-faced..)

Martin: Bennie! I thought you had that thing set on implosion!

Bennie: I kept telling you you can’t do that!

Martin: Well, that’s just great!

(Martin climbs up out of the hole and hollers at his neighbors..)

Martin: Nothing to see here! Everybody return to your homes! The terrorist threat has been thwarted and averted!

(Across the street, Channel 11 news anchor Tom Shimansky is buttoning his pants on the front stoop while his producer’s wife covers herself in a night shawl..)

Shimansky: I better get to the office. This looks newsy.

~~~


(Paco & Bennie finish picking up the last of the car shrapnel as the sun rises and Martin & Jafar enjoy a coffee on the hood of Martin’s car..)

Martin: Wow, what a night.

Jafar: Mmhmm.

Martin: Good coffee.

Jafar: Mmhmm.

Martin: I wonder if we’ll ever get to the bottom of which dastardly terrorist owned that car.

Paco: (picks up half a muffler and tosses it in the trashcan)  Mine, señor.

Martin: Yours, Paco?

Paco: Si.

(Martin reaches for a gun holster that isn’t there..)

Martin: So you’re a terrorist, eh?

Paco: No, señor.

Martin: But why the car bomb?

Paco: It was not a bomb, señor.

Martin: But…the wires sticking out of it!

Paco: It was an old car.

Martin: You knew it was your car the whole time and you still let me blow it up?

Paco: Si. You’re the boss, señor.

Martin: (beams)  Paco my boy, I think this is going to be the start of a wonderful friendship

Paco: Si, I like friends.

Martin: A nonsexual master/slave friendship, of course.

Paco: Si.

Jafar: Martin King, you are a terrible human being.

Martin: (grins)  Si.

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