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King Family Residence – Episode 1.14

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 07/07/2010

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 14 – “The Volcano”

Martin: Well, there it is.

Bennie: (shakes his head)  Man..

Martin: (nods)  Yup. Volcano in my backyard.

Jafar: (squints, trying to glimpse the peak)  How tall do you believe it to be?

Martin: (shrugs)  Couple thousand feet.

Bennie: (scratching the back of his head)  And it just cropped up overnight?

Martin: (stares at Bennie)  Dude. You live in a hole in the front yard. Did you see this yesterday?

Bennie: (shrugs)  I dunno. Do you think it’s dangerous?

Martin: It’s a volcano! Of course it’s dangerous!

Jafar: (glances at Martin)  So. How are you going to make money off of this one?

Martin: (grins)  Volcano Insurance.

~~~

(Martin & Jafar are knocking on the Kings’ next door neighbor’s front door while Bennie stays behind to guard the volcano. An elderly gentleman answers the door..)

Martin: Mr. Koch. It’s your next door neighbor, Mr. King.

Mr. Koch: (nods)  Yes, the Chinaman.

Martin: Yeah, well…I suppose by now you’ve noticed the volcano in my backyard.

Mr. Koch: Is that what that is?

Martin: Yes and it is extremely dangerous. So I believe it would be wise of you to sign up for King Volcano Insurance.

Mr. Koch: Volcano insurance? That sounds like a load of hooey.

Martin: You wouldn’t want your house to be washed away in a hot magma flow, would you?

Mr. Koch: No.

Martin: Then I highly suggest you fill out this form. It’s just a hundred dollars to join and it lasts a lifetime.

Mr. Koch: Is there a good chance that it’ll blow?

Martin: It’s a volcano, Mr. Koch. It could blow at any moment. And when it blows, it’s gonna blow all over you.

Mr. Koch: That doesn’t sound good.

Martin: Sure doesn’t. Sign here, Mr. Koch.

Mr. Koch: (hands over the cash & fills out the form Martin printed on his home computer moments ago)  What’s this Arabian fella following you around for? Intimidation factor?

Martin: No, he’s just my partner in this get-rich-quick scheme–er, insurance investment firm.

Mr. Koch: You check his background? Maybe he’s behind it all. Could be a terrorist volcano.

Martin: I’ll look into that. But for the time being you, your home and your loved ones are covered by King Volcano Insurance. Congratulations, Mr. Koch on your intelligent investment.

(Martin & Jafar head to the next house..)

Jafar: Terrorist volcano?

Martin: Candy from a baby, Jafar. Candy from a baby.

~~~

(Martin & Jafar are speaking with a weathered mother in her mid-thirties, holding a screaming baby..)

Mother: And this is for what now?

Martin: Volcano insurance. For the giant volcano in my backyard?

Mother: And you’re with who?

Martin: King Volcano Insurance. I’m Martin King.

Mother: And this is for what again?

Martin: The giant fucking volc– look, just fill out this form and gimme a hundred bucks or you’ll be covered in lava.

Mother: Is that a threat?

Martin: (turns to his insurance partner)  Wait, is it lava when it comes out of the volcano, or is it magma?

Jafar: What do you mean?

Martin: I know that it’s one thing when it’s in the volcano and another thing after it comes out. Just can’t remember which is which.

Jafar: I’m not sure. Perhaps you should inquire with a geologist.

Martin: Yeah, like I’m gonna go talk to a giant nerd.

Mother: Are you guys done here? I gotta feed my baby.

Martin: Are you gonna take your boob out?

(The mother slams the door in the amateur insurance salesmen’s faces..)

Martin: Party pooper.

~~~

(Back home, Martin & Jafar are counting up the money they’ve made off their gullible neighbors..)

Martin: Twenty-eight hundred greenbacks! Can’t believe so many dopes live in Rumford!

Jafar: (stroking his spotty goatee)  Martin, I have been thinking. What if the volcano does erupt and damages homes. How will you pay these good people back?

Martin: (chortles)  Oh, silly Jafar. Silly innocent Jafar. Silly innocent naive simple Jafar.

Jafar: Out with it.

Martin: If, Heaven forbid, the volcano does erupt, we’ll catch the brunt of the blast. We’ll perish almost immediately!

(Martin laughs & shakes his head..)

Martin: Silly simple innocent naive Jafar..

(There’s a knock at the door and Kathie Lee answers it..)

Kathie Lee: Dad, there’s a garbage man at the door.

Martin: (comes to the door & shakes the garbageman’s grungy, grimy hand)  Martin King. Pleased to meet you. The city says that’s a regulation-sized garbage can. I went to town council with it twice. You wanna see my permit?

Garbageman: Can’s fine, sir. I got a full truck here. Gotta unload.

Martin: Oh…kay.

Garbageman: I gotta get back there to the dump, is there a side entrance?

Martin: The what now?

Garbageman: The dump. In your backyard.

Martin: (glances outside at the towering peak above his home)  Oh, you mean the volcano.

Garbageman: The what now?

Martin: The volcano. In my backyard.

Garbageman: No, sir. That’s the new Oxford County Dump Annex. We filled up the old one, had to start a new one.

Martin: You mean to tell me that’s a dump in my backyard?

Garbageman: Yup.

Martin: Well…how the hell did that happen?

Garbageman: I got a form here with your name on it. You signed it and everything.

Martin: When did that happen?

Garbageman: You been out drinking with Mayor Chigger lately?

Martin: Well…yeah…crap.

Garbageman: I’m just gonna go ahead and drive this on your lawn, if you don’t mind.

Martin: Whatever.

Garbageman: Yeah, we’re gonna have to pave over all this eventually.

Martin: Sure.

(Jafar joins a distraught Martin on his front lawn..)

Jafar: That would explain why the volcano is so stinky.

Martin: Also explains the pile of diapers.

Jafar: There was a pile of diapers? What did you think those were from?

Martin: (shrugs)  Buncha baby sacrifices to the volcanic gods?

Jafar: So what shall we do now?

Martin: (strokes his chin, deep in thought)

~~~

Martin: Mr. Koch!

Mr. Koch: What do you two minorities want now?

Martin: Can I interest you in some King Dump Insurance?

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