King Family Residence – Episode 1.14
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 14 – “The Volcano”
Martin: Well, there it is.
Bennie: (shakes his head) Man..
Martin: (nods) Yup. Volcano in my backyard.
Jafar: (squints, trying to glimpse the peak) How tall do you believe it to be?
Martin: (shrugs) Couple thousand feet.
Bennie: (scratching the back of his head) And it just cropped up overnight?
Martin: (stares at Bennie) Dude. You live in a hole in the front yard. Did you see this yesterday?
Bennie: (shrugs) I dunno. Do you think it’s dangerous?
Martin: It’s a volcano! Of course it’s dangerous!
Jafar: (glances at Martin) So. How are you going to make money off of this one?
Martin: (grins) Volcano Insurance.
(Martin & Jafar are knocking on the Kings’ next door neighbor’s front door while Bennie stays behind to guard the volcano. An elderly gentleman answers the door..)
Martin: Mr. Koch. It’s your next door neighbor, Mr. King.
Mr. Koch: (nods) Yes, the Chinaman.
Martin: Yeah, well…I suppose by now you’ve noticed the volcano in my backyard.
Mr. Koch: Is that what that is?
Martin: Yes and it is extremely dangerous. So I believe it would be wise of you to sign up for King Volcano Insurance.
Mr. Koch: Volcano insurance? That sounds like a load of hooey.
Martin: You wouldn’t want your house to be washed away in a hot magma flow, would you?
Mr. Koch: No.
Martin: Then I highly suggest you fill out this form. It’s just a hundred dollars to join and it lasts a lifetime.
Mr. Koch: Is there a good chance that it’ll blow?
Martin: It’s a volcano, Mr. Koch. It could blow at any moment. And when it blows, it’s gonna blow all over you.
Mr. Koch: That doesn’t sound good.
Martin: Sure doesn’t. Sign here, Mr. Koch.
Mr. Koch: (hands over the cash & fills out the form Martin printed on his home computer moments ago) What’s this Arabian fella following you around for? Intimidation factor?
Martin: No, he’s just my partner in this get-rich-quick scheme–er, insurance investment firm.
Mr. Koch: You check his background? Maybe he’s behind it all. Could be a terrorist volcano.
Martin: I’ll look into that. But for the time being you, your home and your loved ones are covered by King Volcano Insurance. Congratulations, Mr. Koch on your intelligent investment.
(Martin & Jafar head to the next house..)
Jafar: Terrorist volcano?
Martin: Candy from a baby, Jafar. Candy from a baby.
(Martin & Jafar are speaking with a weathered mother in her mid-thirties, holding a screaming baby..)
Mother: And this is for what now?
Martin: Volcano insurance. For the giant volcano in my backyard?
Mother: And you’re with who?
Martin: King Volcano Insurance. I’m Martin King.
Mother: And this is for what again?
Martin: The giant fucking volc– look, just fill out this form and gimme a hundred bucks or you’ll be covered in lava.
Mother: Is that a threat?
Martin: (turns to his insurance partner) Wait, is it lava when it comes out of the volcano, or is it magma?
Jafar: What do you mean?
Martin: I know that it’s one thing when it’s in the volcano and another thing after it comes out. Just can’t remember which is which.
Jafar: I’m not sure. Perhaps you should inquire with a geologist.
Martin: Yeah, like I’m gonna go talk to a giant nerd.
Mother: Are you guys done here? I gotta feed my baby.
Martin: Are you gonna take your boob out?
(The mother slams the door in the amateur insurance salesmen’s faces..)
Martin: Party pooper.
(Back home, Martin & Jafar are counting up the money they’ve made off their gullible neighbors..)
Martin: Twenty-eight hundred greenbacks! Can’t believe so many dopes live in Rumford!
Jafar: (stroking his spotty goatee) Martin, I have been thinking. What if the volcano does erupt and damages homes. How will you pay these good people back?
Martin: (chortles) Oh, silly Jafar. Silly innocent Jafar. Silly innocent naive simple Jafar.
Jafar: Out with it.
Martin: If, Heaven forbid, the volcano does erupt, we’ll catch the brunt of the blast. We’ll perish almost immediately!
(Martin laughs & shakes his head..)
Martin: Silly simple innocent naive Jafar..
(There’s a knock at the door and Kathie Lee answers it..)
Kathie Lee: Dad, there’s a garbage man at the door.
Martin: (comes to the door & shakes the garbageman’s grungy, grimy hand) Martin King. Pleased to meet you. The city says that’s a regulation-sized garbage can. I went to town council with it twice. You wanna see my permit?
Garbageman: Can’s fine, sir. I got a full truck here. Gotta unload.
Garbageman: I gotta get back there to the dump, is there a side entrance?
Martin: The what now?
Garbageman: The dump. In your backyard.
Martin: (glances outside at the towering peak above his home) Oh, you mean the volcano.
Garbageman: The what now?
Martin: The volcano. In my backyard.
Garbageman: No, sir. That’s the new Oxford County Dump Annex. We filled up the old one, had to start a new one.
Martin: You mean to tell me that’s a dump in my backyard?
Martin: Well…how the hell did that happen?
Garbageman: I got a form here with your name on it. You signed it and everything.
Martin: When did that happen?
Garbageman: You been out drinking with Mayor Chigger lately?
Garbageman: I’m just gonna go ahead and drive this on your lawn, if you don’t mind.
Garbageman: Yeah, we’re gonna have to pave over all this eventually.
(Jafar joins a distraught Martin on his front lawn..)
Jafar: That would explain why the volcano is so stinky.
Martin: Also explains the pile of diapers.
Jafar: There was a pile of diapers? What did you think those were from?
Martin: (shrugs) Buncha baby sacrifices to the volcanic gods?
Jafar: So what shall we do now?
Martin: (strokes his chin, deep in thought)
Martin: Mr. Koch!
Mr. Koch: What do you two minorities want now?
Martin: Can I interest you in some King Dump Insurance?