King Family Residence – Episode 1.13
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 13 – “The Mine”
(Martin King is sitting on the couch in his boxers, watching Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center..)
Martin: Hah, this is hilarious.
(Bennie comes rushing into the living room from his hole in the front yard and grabs the remote..)
Martin: Bennie! What have I told you about coming inside!
Bennie: (waves him off) I know, but watch this.
(Bennie flips to Channel 11, where anchor Tom Shimansky is reporting on location..)
Shimansky: I’m here outside the Oxford County Coal Mine where an explosion has just occurred, trapping the miners inside.
Martin: My God.
Bennie: (nods solemnly) I know.
Martin: Shimansky looks like hell. Has he gotten work done?
Bennie: Thing is, they kinda got the story wrong.
Martin: How so? Miners in a coal mine. Seems pretty cut and dry to me.
Bennie: Come to my hole.
Martin: (frowns & follows Bennie outside) Gotta start thinking of different ways to word sentences like that.
(Bennie points down into his hole/home and Martin peers in to find a dozen miners sitting around a poker table waving up at him. Martin glances back at a fretting Bennie..)
Martin: Why don’t you ever let me play poker!
(Bennie & Martin have discreetly snuck the miners down into the Kings’ basement and Martin is pacing before them..)
Martin: Why can’t we just explain all this away? Won’t people be happy the miners aren’t dead?
Miner #1: And let our boss know we were skippin’ work to play cards in a hole with a meth-head? No thanks, pal. I’ll fake my death before I do something stupid like that.
Martin: (nods) So that’s out. How ’bout the blast was so powerful it rocketed you guys into the hole? How far away is this mine?
Miner #2: ‘Bout ten miles.
Martin: That’s a big blast. I didn’t even know we had coal in Maine.
Bennie: (hits his meth pipe & raises his head to the ceiling, blowing out meth smoke) I know what we gotta do.
Martin: (nodding expectantly)
Bennie: We gotta sneak ’em back in.
(Martin & Bennie have shuttled the miners in a tinted van to a spot just north of the mine, surrounded by a tree thicket..)
Martin: Alright, now what?
Bennie: (adjusts his binoculars) Looks like the rescue effort is about to begin. Is there a rear entrance into this mine?
Miner #2: (scoffs) Of course there is! Follow me, gang!
(The miners crowd around a door on the side of the hill as Miner #2 fiddles with the knob..)
Miner #2: Shoot. Locked. Anybody got keys?
(Martin pushes the miners aside and charges at the door, while Miner #2 tries to stop him. Martin crashes through the door and plummets down a steep hundred-foot stairwell. Miner #2 turns to the other miners, cringing..)
Miner #2: Shoulda mentioned the stairs.
(Tom Shimansky, live on Channel 11..)
Shimansky: The rescue mission has begun. As you can see behind me, hundreds of local authorities, rescue workers and civilian volunteers have begun to move the large rocks blocking the entrance. Some commotion has been heard toward the back of the mine and it is feared the worst has come of the dozens of miners trapped herein. Rumford Sheriff Randy Gambino has declared today National Dead Miner Day, although it is unclear whether a local sheriff has the authority to enact national holidays. We’ll be right back.
(The miners and Bennie pick a groaning pile of Martin up and dust him off..)
Martin: Hoo, that hurt!
(The miners laugh and thank Bennie & Martin for getting them back inside..)
Martin: Welp, have fun getting rescued, fellas.
Miner #1: (shakes Martin’s hand) Thanks again, Mr. King. You’re a pretty good guy for an Oriental.
Martin: Um, thanks.
(Martin & Bennie climb the hundred-foot staircase to exit the mine’s rear entrance, but the door is jammed..)
Martin: (frowns) It’s caught on something.
(He peers out a crack in the door to find giant boulders blocking the exit..)
Martin: Oh, man! Those tard rescue workers are dumping all the rocks blocking the entrance back here. We’re trapped! Trapped like coal miners!
(Both men hold each other, cry and sink to the ground..)
Shimansky: Now the rescue workers have turned to corpse-sniffing dogs to help find the miners; which is odd, since the entrance is still pretty much completely blocked by boulders. And now the dogs have begun pooping and chasing each other’s tails. It is – at the same time – distressing and adorable. We’ll be back after this.
(Martin & Bennie have joined the miners – who have re-started their card game – at the bottom of the stairs..)
Miner #2: What are you guys doing back?
Martin: Door’s blocked. Should you guys be smoking all those cigars? Not a lot of air down here.
Miner #3: (puffing cigar, not looking up from hand) Plenty of air down here for twelve people.
Martin: (chuckling nervously) Well, there’s fourteen of us now, so…hehe.
Miner #3: (stares at Martin, puffs cigar)
Martin: (smiling awkwardly) Alright.
Shimansky: If you’re just joining us, I’m reporting live from the Oxford County Coal Mine where an explosion has trapped the dozen miners working diligently inside. They are feared dead and covered in filthy coal. More details to come. I should reiterate that – at this point in time – I am speculating wildly.
(Bennie is passed out on Martin’s shoulder from meth withdrawal as they sit in a corner of the mine, struggling to breathe..)
Martin: Oh, c’mon! You’re lighting up another one?
Miner #3: (shrugs, lights another cigar)
Martin: (shakes his head, taps Bennie) Wake up, buddy. I don’t think it’s a good idea to pass out in a collapsed, smoke-filled coal mine.
Bennie: (rubs his eyes, looks around) I’ve done it before.
(A rescue dog bursts through a pile of rocks near the cave-in and the miners cheer. The dog licks Martin’s face and he laughs as a couple firemen break through the rocks..)
Fireman #1: Did somebody order a rescue?
Miner #3: (annoyedly puts out his cigar) ‘Bout time, fellas. We’ve been stuck down here for hours. Couldn’t get any coal mining done!
(Tom Shimansky hustles past rescuers and elbows his way into the mine shaft with his cameraman, grabbing Martin by the shoulder..)
Shimansky: Excuse me, we’d like to interview you for the nightly news.
Martin: Me? Wow! I’ve never been on TV before!
Bennie: (frowns) Yeah, you were on last week, man. Remember? Shimansky interviewed you about your hole to China?
Martin: (elbows his friend, whispering) Shut up, man!
Shimansky: We’re going live in three, two, one… Good evening, we’re here live inside the Oxford County Coal Mine, where twelve coal miners and two disheveled civilians were rescued from an eternity of being trapped in a dark coal-y tomb. Sir, how did you find yourself inside this mine with these unfortunate miners?
Martin: (smiles, starry-eyed at the camera) Oh, we just came in the back door an hour ago.
Shimansky: (hesitates) The back door?
Martin: Yeah, right back there.
(Martin throws a thumb toward the back of the mine..)
Martin: That’s how we snuck the miners back into the coal mine to be rescued by these sexy firemen.
(The firemen glance at each other perturbedly..)
Shimansky: So, these coal miners weren’t in the mine when it collapsed?
Martin: Nope. They were playing poker in the hole in the front yard with my meth-head neighbor.
Bennie: (waves at the camera)
Shimansky: (turns back to the camera, grinning) Well, there you have it. Miners. Liars.
Miner #3: (throws down his cigar) Why you rotten–
(He tackles Martin and they start wrestling across the mine floor..)
Martin: Maybe if you had let me play poker with you guys!
Miner #1: (rolls up his sleeves) Snitches get stitches!
Shimansky: Let’s go to Tucker Jones with sports!