King Family Residence – Episode 1.12
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 12 – “The Drilling”
Martin: You been readin’ about this offshore drilling stuff, Bennie?
(Martin & Bennie are sitting in Bennie’s trailer in the Fairview Trailer Park, watching Street Court..)
Bennie: (scoffs) Yeah I’ve been reading all about it, Professor.
(Martin & Bennie share a high-five..)
Martin: No, but for real though. There’s something to this.
Bennie: (tokes) What?
Martin: Oil. That’s the stuff.
Bennie: What stuff?
Martin: The stuff that’s gonna make us rich, Bennie Boy.
(Martin pats Bennie on the back and begins to rub his shoulder inappropriately until Bennie moves further down the couch..)
(Bennie & Martin are in the Kings’ front yard with shovels..)
Martin: (drops a shovel into the lawn) We start diggin’ here.
Bennie: In your front yard? Don’t you think that’s a little drastic, bro?
Martin: (scowls) I don’t think it’s drastic enough! How stupid would I look if some dope came along and struck oil in my own damn front yard?
Bennie: (stumped) Um…awfully stupid?
Martin: (bonks Bennie lightly on the head with his shovel) Precisely.
(Martin digs out a big chunk of lawn. Kato comes outside and sits on the front stoop, staring at his father and his father’s meth head friend going to work..)
Kato: Whatcha doin’, Pop?
Martin: Black gold, son. Black gold.
Kato: Oh, like that magazine of yours I found and cried all night about?
Bennie: (smiles at Martin, raising his eyebrows)
Martin: No..that was…different. You gonna yap all day over there about porn or are you gonna dig in?
(Kato excitedly sprints to the garage for another shovel..)
Bennie: (still grinning) Black Gold. That’s a quality magazine.
(Bennie & Martin exchange another high-five.)
(By nightfall, a substantially immense hole has been dug in the front yard. Martin, Bennie & Kato are taking a beer/meth/root beer break in the hole when Osaku gets home..)
Osaku: (getting out of her car slowly) What. The. Hell.
Martin: (hollering up from the hole) Hey, honey! Down here!
(Osaku peers down into the hole to find Martin, Bennie & Kato waving back up at her..)
Martin: We’re digging a hole!
Osaku: Yes, dear. I noticed. And why, pray tell?
Kato: (too excited to contain himself) Black Gold, Ma!
Osaku: Dammit, Martin! I told you to get rid of those disgusting magazines!
Bennie: (pointing up at Osaku) Oop, racist.
Martin: Oil, dear. He means oil.
Osaku: You’re digging for oil.
Osaku: In our front yard.
Osaku: In rural Maine.
(Osaku doesn’t say another word and rushes inside.)
Bennie: She took that rather well.
Martin: (nods confidently) Yeah, man. I got that trick trained!
(Martin & Bennie share yet another high-five and then a pillow and blanket drop on Martin’s head..)
Martin: (squinting up at Osaku, down at the bedding and back up at Osaku) ‘Sup?
Osaku: You’re sleeping in the hole tonight.
Martin: (raises his fists in the air) Sweet! Hole party! Can Bennie sleep over?
Bennie: (bouncing up and down) Pleeease, Mrs. K?
Osaku: (turns around and heads back inside) I don’t care!
(Martin & Bennie share their twenty-eighth high-five of the day. A tear forms in the corner of Bennie’s eye..)
Bennie: This hole is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
(The next day, Martin & Bennie are awoken from their sleeping bags by a hubbub from up on ground level. Martin climbs up out of the hole to find his sidewalk and what’s left of his front lawn packed to the brim with news media and rubberkneckers..)
Martin: (nods at the assorted media) ‘Sup?
(Channel 11’s star reporter, Tom Shimansky, approaches Martin..)
Shimansky: We are here live with a local man – Martin King – who is digging a hole to China.
Martin: (smiling into the camera) Yes, thank you Tom. I–what?
Shimansky: How did this whole digging-to-China idea come about? Is it because you’re Chinese?
Martin: Oh, so just ’cause I’m Chinese I gotta be diggin’ a hole to China, huh? That’s racist!
Shimansky: Well, sir, what are you doing?
Martin: (shrugs) Digging for oil.
Shimansky: (taken aback) Oil.
Shimansky: In your front yard.
Shimansky: In rural Maine.
Martin: (grinning widely) Yup.
(Tom Shimansky turns to his camera crew and drops his mic..)
Shimansky: Let’s pack it up, fellas. There’s no story here.
Martin: What are you talkin’ about, Shimansky? Oil! It’s like the most important thing in the world! I’m gonna be rich! Saudi-rich!
(The Channel 11 news van takes off down the street while Bennie waves goodbye. The sidewalk clears and Martin turns back to his son and his meth-head consort..)
Martin: Well, back to the hole.
(Late that night, the three have dug down another ten feet, past various pipes, wire and buried pets..)
Bennie: (wipes his brow) Man, I could sure use some crystal right about now.
Martin: (chortles, glances at Kato) Don’t do drugs, son.
Kato: (smiling) K, Dad.
(Martin slams his shovel back into the hole and hears a clank. The three gasp.)
(After hurriedly digging with their hands, the men are met with a small, submarine-style hatch door. Martin glances at Bennie & Kato, shrugs and turns the wheel. The hatch opens and the men are met with blinding light. Climbing down, they soon find themselves climbing up out of the ground on a beautiful sunny day, surrounded by green. A small man with a funny hat comes running over toward the confused men..)
Chinaman: You get out of my rice paddy, now!
Martin: Rice paddy? The fuck are we?
Chinaman: You in China, stupid!
Martin: (gasps and then belches)
Martin: Y’all got oil?
Chinaman: No oil! You go back down in hole.
Martin: (shrugs) Fair enough. We were leavin’ anyway.
(The three climb back down and find themselves back in their hole on a cool Rumford night..)
Martin: Well, that was different. Who wants ice cream?
Kato: (jumps around wildly) I do!
Bennie: (rubs the back of his neck uneasily) I got kind of an awkward question to ask you, Marty.
Martin: Anything, Ben.
Bennie: Repo man took my trailer. Can I live here?
Martin: (puts a hand on Bennie’s shoulder) My hole is your hole, friend.
(The two smile warmly at each other and Kato giggles..)