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King Family Residence – Episode 1.10

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 06/20/2010

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 10 – “The Tourney”

Martin: You fill out your Maine State Girl’s High School Basketball Tournament bracket yet?

Jafar:  My what?

(Martin King & Jafar al-Abin are fishing for mackerel in the crick at the bottom of the Rumford City Gravel Pit..)

Martin:  Your bracket. For the girl’s tournament. Pot is at $1200 right now.

Jafar:  You’re going to wager money on teenage girls?

Martin:  No, I’m gonna sit around idly while somebody else wins $1200. Of course I’m gonna wager money on teenage girls! So, are you in?

Jafar:  I’m not sure. It seems amoral.

Martin:  (waving his fishing pole)  Oh, everything’s amoral with you. I’m gonna start callin’ you Amoral Annie.

Jafar:  Please don’t. And the reason I often call things amoral is because most of your actions would be considered as such by most sensible human beings.

Martin:  Whatever. Are you in, Annie?

Jafar:  Yes.

Martin:  Oh yeah and we’re fixing the tournament.

Jafar:  What?


(Outside the Bangor Auditorium, Martin is assembling his tools..)

Martin:  Let’s see, I got the laser pointer to blind the girls when they go in for easy layups. The long stick to trip girls from our posh courtside seats. My gun. This whoopee cushion to embarrass the female coaches when they sit down. And a “You Suck” sign to lower everybody’s self-esteem.

Jafar:  This all seems very cruel and highly illegal.

Martin:  You forgot “very cruel.”

Jafar:  No, I didn’t.

Martin:  Anyway, we’re gonna make a fortune.

Jafar:  I still do not understand how one profits from gambling on a girl’s high school basketball tournament. Who wagers money on such a thing?

Martin:  The Polish mob. I’m gonna outsmart those fools again. Like taking candy from a Polish adult.

Jafar:  Didn’t they almost kill you the last time you tangled with them?

Martin:  (shrugs)  Yeah, probably. All my hijinks have become a blur at this point. A hilarious blur!

Jafar:  Who are we wagering on to win the tournament?

Martin:  Rumford High, of course! Go Rumford Tractors!

Jafar:  Wait, did you mention a gun?

Martin:  (scampers into the auditorium)


(Inside the auditorium, the games are in full swing and Martin is running all around the court attempting to distract the girls but generally not impacting games in the slightest. At halftime, he is greeted at the popcorn stand by Polish mob boss Pavel Posluzsky..)

Martin:  Pavel! Hey, buddy! Here to see your golden goose in action?

Posluzsky:  The team we wagered on is down by fifteen at the half, Mr. King. You told us this game was “a lock.” How do you plan on righting this wrong?

Martin:  No sweat, Poley. Just let old Mr. Distraction do his thing.

Posluzsky:  Very well. Do not fail me, Mr. King.  (turns to leave)

Martin:  You want some popcorn?

Posluzsky:  No, I get that half-shell stuck in the back of my throat and then I have to deal with that for the rest of the day.

Martin:  I know, right? Bye, Polish mob boss.

(A large group of people stare at Pavel as he skulks away. Martin turns to Jafar, frantic..)

Martin:  Jafar! What the hell are we gonna do?!

Jafar:  What? I thought Mr. Distraction was to take over?

Martin:  I’ve been Mr. Distracting since tipoff and I haven’t done shit! These girls are like Make Me Laugh contestants! They won’t budge! We gotta do something drastic in the second half or we’re both toast!

Jafar:  (pondering)  Do you know of a nearby wig store?

Martin:  (rolls his eyes)  What kind of a question is that? Of course I do!


(Martin & Jafar sneak into the Rumford girl’s locker room after the rest of the team has taken the court..)

Martin:  (be-wigged, slipping into a Rumford girls’ uni)  I don’t know about this, Jafar.

Jafar:  You always brag about your basketball prowess. This is the only way. You must embrace your feminine side.

Martin:  (scoffs, adjusts wig)  Pssh, F that. I’m ’bout to embrace my ballin’ side.

Jafar:  (patting Martin on the back)  Be aggressive out there. Don’t be afraid to knock those young ladies around.

Martin:  (clapping his hands together)  Just as long as I don’t knock ’em up, right?  (chortles)  Seriously, though, let’s go hit some girls.

(A janitor has been mopping in the corner of the locker room the whole time. The three men stare in silence for a moment..)

Martin:  Not literally.

(Martin & Jafar quickly hustle out of the locker room.)


Shimansky:  In other news, our very own Rumford Lady Tractors put up their worst performance of the season and have been eliminated from the Maine State Girl’s Tourney, mostly due to the abysmal second-half performance of transfer guard Martina Kingstershen.

Martin:  Aw, friggin’ Shimansky! They got my name wrong!

(Martin is caked in sweat, still wearing his wig in the King Family living room. Jafar and the Kings are sitting around the television, heads in their hands..)

Shimansky:  Kingstershen hogged the ball down the stretch, refusing to pass to wide-open teammates and brutally fouling opponents indiscriminately on the defensive end.

Martin:  Those refs were bullshit.

Shimansky:  One Rumford native voiced his opinion..

Bennie:  That chick with the adam’s apple sucked! They should trade her.

Reporter:  I don’t believe high schools can trade players.

Bennie:  Y’all got meth?

Jafar:  (runs a hand through his hair)  And there’s the capper.

Martin:  (pats Kato on the back)  Well, son? What do you think of your old man? He can still ball, eh?

Kato:  (smiling weakly)  Yeah, Pop.

Kathie Lee:  Not sure I wanna hear the answer, but why did you shave your legs and nothing else?

Martin:  (shrugs)  I always shave my legs. Aerodynamics.

Kathie Lee:  …

Osaku:  And how much money did you lose us with this adventure?

Martin:  (removing his wig)  Yeah, the Poles got us on a payment system now.

Bennie:  (sprints into the living room)   I WAS ON TV!!!

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