King Family Residence – Episode 1.08
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 8 – “The Mob”
Martin: And that’s why the Communists are lying in wait. Ready to strike at a moment’s notice.
Bennie: (nods enthusiastically) I get that. I totally get that.
(Jafar glances up from his inventory. The three men are standing around the front counter of Jafar’s Bazaar..)
Jafar: I am sorry, my friend. Were you speaking?
Martin: (grumpy) I’m talkin’ ’bout Commies over here! I’m talkin’ about the downfall of society as we know it! Russkies!
Jafar: You do realize that Russia is no longer a Communist state and that China – the country of your origin – is now the world Communist power.
Martin: (stammers) Yeah? Well, you’re from Iran, so…suck on that!
Jafar: (frowns) I will not, thank you very much.
Bennie: (happily cracks his knuckles) Welp, I’m from America, so I’m pretty much the awesomest person in here.
Jafar: (shakes his head) You are addicted to crystallized methamphetamine.
Bennie: (nods) Yeah, I got that goin’ for me too.
Martin: Alright, you numbskulls. Now to the reason I brought you both here–
Jafar: (not looking up from his inventory sheet) We were here when you arrived.
Martin: I need money.
Jafar: You always need money.
Martin: Yeah, but now I really need it.
Jafar: You always ‘really need it’.
Martin: Lives are at stake, man!
Jafar: Whose lives?
Jafar: Sorry, not interested.
Martin: I borrowed money from the Polish mob and I need to pay them $10,000 by Friday or I’m a dead man!
Bennie: (after a beat) There’s a Polish mob?
(Martin arrives home to find his wife and daughter on the front lawn, picking things up..)
Martin: What’s all this crap?
Osaku: Sausage. We woke up this morning and the whole yard was covered in sausage.
Martin: Sweet mother of God. It’s a sign.
Osaku: A sign of what?
Martin: (hesitates) A sign…that we’re having sausage for dinner!
Kathie Lee: Ew, I’m not eating lawn sausage!
Martin: (explodes) WELL YOU CAN HAVE SALAD THEN!
Osaku: Jeez, Martin. What’s gotten into you?
Martin: Sorry, I’ve just been a little on edge lately. What with bills and all.
Osaku: A job could always help.
Martin: I’m workin’ on it!
(Kato glances out the living room window and runs outside excitedly..)
Kato: Oh boy! Lawn sausage! (crams two handfuls of sausage in his mouth)
(Outside Bennie’s trailer in Sawtag Pond Trailer Park..)
Martin: Bennie, are you gonna help me pay the Polish Mafia or what?
Bennie: Or what.
Martin: Hilarious. Now, what I was thinking is we go around town and rob a bunch of coffee shops. Coffee shops always have money, right? People love coffee!
Martin: And if we pull off enough small robberies we’ll get as much money as we would have with one big robbery!
Bennie: Well, why don’t we just do one big robbery?
Martin: Because one big robbery will garner unneeded attention from the authorities and their ilk. No cops.
Bennie: (nods) No cops. So, the coffee shops. Are we talkin’ armed robberies or are we just gonna yell at them loudly until they give us money?
Martin: (scoffs) Armed robberies, dude. What are we, pussies?
Martin: No, we’re not pussies, Bennie.
Bennie: (thrusts a finger in the air triumphantly) No! We’re not pussies!
(A number of intellectual types are enjoying a quiet afternoon at the Teaberry Crumpet Cafe when Martin & Bennie bust through the doors, ski masks down, guns up..)
Martin: Alright, everybody. Please relax. This is a quiet, small robbery. No need to call the police, insurance should cover your losses!
(Bennie trains his gun on the counter clerk and holds open a bag with a dollar sign on it. Martin glances at the bag and throws his arms in the air..)
Martin: C’mon, Bennie!
Bennie: (waves his gun at Martin) Whoa! No names, bro!
Martin: A dollar sign? Really?
Bennie: I don’t wanna get it mixed up with my laundry bag!
Martin: Do you really think that would happen?
Bennie: It’s happened twice before, man! And it’s always very embarrassing.
Martin: I imagine it would be.
Bennie: Let’s just get out of here! (sprints out the door)
Martin: (grabs a danish and follows him to the car)
(In the car, Martin takes a bite of the danish..)
Martin: Oh, gross! Apple!
Bennie: Where to next?
Martin: That shop on Third where all the high school kids hang out and bum cigarettes.
Bennie: (hangs a left) Why are we hittin’ all these Mom & Pop coffee shops? There’s a Starbucks and a Dunkin’ Donuts in this town. Let’s go for the big guns.
Martin: (shakes his head) Too high-profile. And those corporate joints always have complicated registers or safes.
Bennie: (glances sideways at Martin) Dude, have you done this before?
Martin: (annoyed) I watch TV shows!
Bennie: TV shows about robbing coffee shops?
Martin: (staring out the passenger side window) I have cable. Lot more channels than you.
(The two men enter their fifth coffee shop of the afternoon and Bennie puts a gun to the counter clerk’s head..)
Bennie: Empty the register, lady!
(Through all the commotion, an older gentleman comes out of a back room and sees the two ski-masked men..)
Martin: (gasps) Mr. Posluzsky!
Posluzsky: (squints at Martin’s wide eyes behind the mask) Mr. King?
(Martin reluctantly removes the mask and holsters his weapon in his belt..)
Bennie: (turns to Martin) Dude, your mask!
(The clerk grabs Bennie’s gun and turns it on him..)
Bennie: Aw, shoot.
Posluzsky: Mr. King, I’m surprised to see you so soon. Our money is not due until Friday. That’s four days from now.
Martin: (correcting the Polish mob boss) Actually, today’s Wednesday. So, it’s two days from now.
Posluzsky: (checks his watch – which does not display the date – and nods) So it is.
Martin: I’m so sorry, Mr. Posluzsky. I had no idea you owned this place. Although the sign out front saying ‘Posluzsky’s’ should’ve been a dead giveaway. We were just out collecting money for you guys all day and–
Posluzsky: From others? From innocent merchants?
Martin: (nods) Yeah, it’s been really easy. Innocent merchants are the dumbest. But–
Bennie: (snaps his fingers and points at Mr. Posluzsky) Oh, you’re the Polish Mafia guy! That’s hilarious. You own this place?
Posluzsky: Yes, I do.
Bennie: (cringes) Ew! Polish coffee! Can you imagine?
(Bennie elbows Martin while the room stares at them angrily..)
Martin: Again, Mr. Posluzsky, I apologize profusely. This was just one big terrible misunderstanding. We’ll get out of your hair here and I’ll have the money for you by Friday, I swear.
Posluzsky: Actually, Mr. King, I like you. So, why don’t we forget about the money.
Martin: (grinning from ear to ear) Awesome!
Posluzsky: I have another proposition for you instead.
Posluzsky: There is a man in this town. A businessman. He is a bit of a rival of mine and I would like him eliminated.
Martin: You mean, like, killed?
Martin: Oh, phew.
Posluzsky: Wait, I mean yes.
Posluzsky: Killed dead.
Martin: Uh huh, so…you want me to be the getaway driver or..?
Posluzsky: No, I want you to kill him.
Martin: Double crap.
(Martin & Bennie are parked outside of Dick’s Automotive..)
Bennie: Are you really going through with this, dude?
Martin: Well, it’s either off this guy or get offed by the Polacks.
Bennie: Whoa, hey man. That’s racist.
Martin: They’re going to murder me! I can’t call them a dumb name?
Bennie: Not cool, bro.
(Martin unloads his gun and stuffs the bullets in his arm rest..)
Bennie: What are you doing, man?
Martin: You stay here. I got a plan.
(Martin enters the dealership and heads to the back into the owner Dick Bark’s office, locking the door behind him..)
Dick: (looking up from his desk) Can I help you, sir?
Martin: No, but I can help you, Dick.
Dick: Oh? How so?
Martin: You familiar with a man named Pavel Posluzsky?
Dick: (strokes his chin) Hmm…oh, the guy with the terrible coffee shop?
Martin: Yeah, well he’s actually the don of the Polish mafia.
Dick: There’s a Polish mafia?
Martin: And he seems to have it out for you.
Dick: Is that so?
Martin: He wants you dead, Dick. And he sent me to do it.
Dick: Whoa, seriously?
Martin: (holds up his hands) It’s cool, though. I’m not actually gonna do it.
Martin: Thing is, they’re gonna break my legs if I don’t. So we gotta make it look like I did.
Dick: (nods) Oh, snuff film. Gotcha.
Martin: What? No.
Dick: (scoffs) You got a better idea, sport?
Martin: (whips something out of his p0cket and drops it on the desk) Fake mustache.
Dick: (looks up, frowning) But…I already have a mustache.
Martin: (nods) Yeah, I just realized that right when I pulled it out. Um, maybe you could shave that one?
Dick: Out of the question.
Martin: What? But they’re gonna kill you!
Dick: (shrugs) Not shaving the mustache!
Martin: (shakes his head) What did you do to piss off Mr. Posluzsky, anyway?
Dick: I sold him a car and he thinks I ripped him off.
Martin: Did you?
Dick: (chuckles) Well, yeah. But still…
Dick: It was so easy!
Martin: (grins) I know! Oh, Poland…
(Martin & Bennie are in the car heading back to the Polish coffee shop..)
Bennie: Did you do it, man? Did you waste that fool?
Martin: What? No!
Bennie: What did you do?
Martin: I don’t know. He refused to lose the mustache.
Bennie: Whoa, man. You don’t shave a mustache. It’s a mustache.
Martin: Stop here at my buddy Ricky’s butcher shop.
Martin: (runs in and yells) Ricky! Blood me!
(Ricky shrugs and pours cow blood all over the front of Martin’s white collar shirt. Martin wipes his bloody hands on his pants and smiles..)
Ricky: So…how are things?
Martin: Good, you?
Ricky: Not bad.
Martin: Do I owe you anything?
Ricky: (shakes his head) Blood’s on the house.
Martin: (gives a thumbs up and sprints out the door) Gotta go!
(Martin stumbles into the Polish coffee shop – covered in blood – as patrons stare. He knocks on Mr. Posluzsky’s door..)
Posluzsky: (smiling) The deed has been done.
Martin: (nods) He struggled a little, but I capped that bitch.
Posluzsky: Good work, Mr. King. You are now officially off the hook concerning your debt.
Martin: Thanks a lot, Mr. Posluzsky. I really appreciate it.
(Just then, Dick Bark enters the coffee shop wearing Martin’s fake mustache over his real one..)
Posluzsky: It’s Dick! Polina! Kill him!
(Mr. Posluzsky’s wife Polina pulls a shotgun out from behind the counter, but Martin jumps in front of Dick just in time..)
Martin: Whoa, whoa, hey! This isn’t Dick Bark!
Posluzsky: (gun trained on Dick) Then who is he?
Martin: He’s…Dick’s cousin…Rick Bark.
Posluzsky: Same surname?
Martin: Father’s side of the family.
Posluzsky: (lowers his weapon) Well then, Mr. Bark. Please, help yourself to some of the finest coffee in Poland.
Dick: No thanks, Polish coffee tastes like poop. I’m actually here to arrest everybody in this joint.
(Mr. Posluzsky, Polina, Martin, Bennie & the patrons all laugh, until Dick/Rick Bark pulls out a badge..)
Dick: Desmond Portman. FBI. You’re all under arrest for associating with the Polish mafia.
Bennie: (kicks the ground) Aw, man!
Desmond: I’ve been staking out this coffee shop for months, since I opened my car dealership front. Now I’ve got you, your wife and your henchmen all under one roof.
Martin: (waves his hands) Whoa, hey man! I’m not a henchman!
Desmond: You were sent to kill me and you’re covered in blood.
Martin: It’s cow blood! Taste it!
Desmond: No thanks.
Martin: But the taste of bovine blood will proclaim my innocence!
Desmond: I’m not tasting your bloody shirt!
Posluzsky: (confused) Wait, I thought that was Dick Bark’s blood!
Martin: (pointing at Desmond) That’s Dick Bark.
Posluzsky: I thought that was Rick Bark!
Desmond: Actually, I’m Desmond Portman.
Posluzsky: Who the hell is that?
Martin: (turning to Agent Portman) You’re not helping.
Desmond: Get in the paddywagon, henchman!
Martin: (jumps in) I call window seat!
Bennie: (mopes in after Martin) Aw jeez, this day just keeps getting worse!