King Family Residence – Episode 1.07
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 7 – “The Cabal”
(Martin King is in his den, poring over ancient religious texts when his eyes light up and he leaps out of his seat, dramatically removing his lensless glasses..)
Martin: By George, I’ve got it!
(Being 2:30 AM, the rest of his family is asleep, so he bounds upstairs to rouse them..)
Martin: By George, I’ve got it! I said ‘By George, I’ve got it!’ Hello?
Kathie Lee: (stumbles out of bed) God, Dad. It’s the middle of the night.
Martin: But I’ve got it, by George!
Kato: (rubs his eyes) Who’s George and what did you get by him?
Osaku: What is it that can’t wait ’til morning, dear?
Martin: I figured it out!
Martin: The Secret Cabal! I’ve figured out where the Secret Cabal meets for their nefarious goings-on!
Martin: I can stop the Jews from taking over the world!
(Martin is leaning over Jafar’s counter at his Bazaar..)
Martin: So, there I was: Wrist-deep in the Torah, when it hit me! The old mill!
Jafar: (nods, refilling his register receipts) You were hit by a mill. Does it hurt?
Martin: No, the old mill. On Willoughby Road. Where we used to play when we were kids?
Jafar: Yes, I recall.
Martin: That’s where the secret cabal of nefarious, world-conquering Jews meet. It’s quiet, it’s secluded, it’s unassuming, it’s perfect!
Jafar: (glancing up from his receipts) Let me get this straight.
Martin: Please do.
Jafar: So, you not only think that there is a secret organization of Jewish people hellbent on the enslavement of all gentile-kind, but that their secret world headquarters is located in an abandoned mill on the outskirts of Rumford, Maine.
Martin: (squints) You don’t sound convinced.
Jafar: Not entirely, no.
Martin: What if I could prove it to ya?
Jafar: It would shock me to my core.
Martin: (slaps his hands together) Then prepare to have your core shocked, Hochee!
(That evening Martin, Jafar & Bennie are lurking through a cornfield downwind of the old mill..)
Bennie: ♫ If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends! ♫
Martin: (hisses) Keep it down back there!
Bennie: Spice Girls calm me down, man.
Jafar: What exactly are you expecting to find out here this evening, Martin?
Martin: Proof. Proof of their dastardly plan.
Jafar: You realize this belief you have is wildly racist, do you not?
Bennie: Yeah it’s wicked racist, bro.
Martin: What are you guys–? Gang, I’m not a racist. I’ve got no qualms with Jewish people. No qualms at all. I just happen to believe in the horrible truth that a global Zionist takeover is upon us and the world is doomed, is all. No racism!
Jafar: That sounds very racist.
Bennie: (nods) All of that seems racist to me.
Martin: (chuckles) Shut up, you guys.
Bennie: I feel racist-by-association just standing here next to you.
Martin: I don’t even think it counts as racism if you’re foreign.
(By now, the three men are standing outside the old mill..)
Bennie: We’re not gonna hang anyone tonight, are we?
Martin: Shush! We’re goin’ in.
(Martin pushes open the large barn doors and the three men reel back in horror..)
(Osaku comes back from the garage, frowning. Kathie Lee is eating Hydrox at the kitchen counter..)
Osaku: Kathie, have you seen your father?
Kathie Lee: (shakes her head) Left hours ago with Mr. al-Abin and that creepy junkie guy. Said something about “Jews” and “goin’ out to the country”.
Osaku: (sinks into a chair at the kitchen table and pops open a bottle of red wine) Oh dear.
(Martin, Jafar & Bennie cover their noses as they enter the mill. In the center of the floor is a mangled cow corpse..)
Jafar: How long do you think it has lain here?
Bennie: (stoops down, rubs some bovine blood, brings it to his lips and tastes) Three, maybe four days.
Martin: Gross, dude.
Jafar: What kind of animal could do this much damage?
Martin: (in a nasally high voice from pinching his nose) This was the work of no animal. This was the work of Space Jews! Just as I suspected.
Jafar: (blank stare) Space Jews?
Martin: (nods confidently) ‘Fraid so. All the signs are here.
Bennie: (laughs) Dude, you’re higher than I’m about to be! (tokes)
Jafar: So let me get this straight–
Martin: Man, you’ve been saying that a lot today.
Jafar: (continues) You not only believe in aliens from outer space, but you believe that there are so many different species of space aliens that some have had the time and knowledge to convert to Judaism. Then these Judaeo extraterrestrials traveled to Earth, landed here at this old abandoned mill in rural Maine and proceeded to mutilate a cow.
Martin: (sour) No, you idiot. They’re not Jews from space. They’re Jews from Earth who built spaceships in order to travel to distant planets and steal all their gold.
Bennie: (giggles, tokes)
Jafar: Oh, yes. Of course. But, what of the cow?
Martin: (shrugs) They hate pork.
Bennie: Dude, that’s Space Muslims.
Jafar: Pork is from pigs.
Martin: Jafar, they’re from space. You can’t expect them to be able to tell all our animals apart. Just like I can’t tell people from whatever country you’re from apart.
Bennie: (points at Jafar) That’s true. Where are you from?
Jafar: Iran. And I thought you just said Space Jews are from Earth! (muttering to himself) I can’t believe I’m getting into an argument over this.
Martin: (holds his hands up) Don’t confuse me. I gotta figure this out.
Bennie: (waits a beat) Whoa, Iran? Aren’t they bad guys?
(Martin is kneeling next to the dead cow, stroking his chin inquisitively while Jafar and Bennie stand around. An older man suddenly in a straw hat enters the mill..)
Farmer: Can I help you gentlemen?
Martin: (spins around) Ahhh! Space Jew!
Farmer: Excuse me? What are you boys doin’ on my land?
Jafar: (steps in) I’m sorry. My friend is a bit touched in the head. We just happened to be passing by when we saw this fallen animal in your mill.
Farmer: Oh, yes. Old Betsy.
Jafar: So you know that this cow has been in here?
Martin: What’s your name, farmhand?
Farmer: Farnum. Farnum Bernstein.
Martin: (turns to Jafar, bug-eyed) Double Gasp!
Bennie: (tugs on Martin’s shirtsleeve) Dude, that’s not how you gasp.
Jafar: Mr. Bernstein, may I ask how this animal came to meet its end?
Bernstein: Why, the same way all the animals on this farm die. Blood sacrifice to the dark lord, Satan.
Martin: (sighs heavily) Oh, thank God. I thought you were an evil Space Jew. Gang, let’s skedaddle!
(After the three men leave, a menorah-shaped spaceship lands in the field to the left of the mill and an alien in a yamulke steps out and greets Farnum Bernstein..)
Bernstein: That was a close one, Ezra. I believe they’re onto us!
Ezra: (nodding) Gleep glop.