King Family Residence – Episode 1.06
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 6 – “The Opium Den”
(Martin is leaning on the checkout counter at Jafar’s Bazaar while Jafar does inventory..)
Martin: Hey Jafar, what’s the one thing all Chinese people love?
Jafar: Annoying me while I am working.
Martin: Oh, that is so racist.
Jafar: No, it is not.
Martin: No, the one thing all Chinese people love? Opium.
Jafar: I do not think that is fact.
Martin: Is too! We fought wars over that stuff!
Jafar: Have you, a Chinese man, ever actually done opium?
Martin: No way, dude. That stuff’s bad for you.
Jafar: So why have you brought up this subject?
Martin: I wanna start an opium den.
Martin: It’s another one of my brilliant strokes of genius, Jafar.
Martin: We sell all these dumb chinks–
Jafar: Whoa, easy Martin.
Martin: Hey, I’m Chinese. It’s cool, bro. Anyway, we sell all these dumb Chinks a shitload of opium and then we give them a safe place to shoot up and be high and stuff.
Jafar: That is a terrible idea. Not to mention illegal. And immoral.
Martin: (too excited to listen) Maybe we’ll meet Sherlock Holmes!
Jafar: I doubt it.
Martin: How do you know, man?
Jafar: Because he’s fictional, British and dead.
Martin: Whatever, are you in or what?
Jafar: Do I have a choice?
Martin: Yeah, you can choose to be lame.
Jafar: Then I choose to be lame.
Martin: I’m just joshin’, you have no choice. Now let’s go buy some opium!
(Martin & Jafar are driving back to the King household..)
Martin: Can’t believe it was so easy to buy a pound of opium!
Jafar: (nervously holding the package) I didn’t know it came in pounds. Where is this opium den to be erected, anyway?
Martin: (pulls into his driveway) Basement.
(The gentlemen head downstairs and Martin holds his hands out, turning to Jafar..)
Martin: Ta da!
(The basement floor is covered in pillows and bean bags and over in the corner is local meth-head Bennie hitting a bong..)
Bennie: Yo man, you got that O? We’re tapped out of weed over here.
Martin: (tosses him the pound) You’re really gonna try opium? Isn’t that, like, the opposite of meth?
Bennie: (shrugs) Drugs is drugs, man.
Martin: Don’t do all of it, though. I got a busload of Chinamen that’ll be here any minute.
Jafar: (growing worried) Where did you find a busload of…Chinamen?
Martin: (rolls his eyes like it’s obvious) Airport, dude. Tourists. They don’t even speak the language.
Jafar: (wanders over to a large pillow and sits down, head in his hands) This will not end well.
Bennie: (holding a handful of opium, looks up, confused) Do I snort it?
(The tour bus pulls up and forty older Chinese couples file out. Martin leads them downstairs, speaking gibberish the whole way before finally giving up and going back to English..)
Martin: Here we are!
(The Chinese look around at all the beanbags and pillows and Jafar and Bennie in the corner..)
Martin: Who here likes opium?
(Bennie is the only one who raises his hand. An older Chinese man steps forward..)
Old Chinaman: Mr. King, we are from the Chinese Occidental Oriental Presbyterian Church. Why have you brought us to your opium den?
Martin: (stammering) Because…you’re Chinese. C’mon! Let’s party!
Old Chinaman: We would like to go now.
Martin: (spins to Jafar) Jafar! Plan B!
Jafar: There’s a Plan B?
Martin: (exasperated whisper) Lock the door!
Jafar: (shrugs, sprints upstairs and locks the basement door)
(Martin gathers the Chinese people in the center of the room, draws a gun and announces..)
Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, this is now a robbery.
(Jafar takes Martin aside, gun still trained on the tourists..)
Jafar: Are you seriously going to rob a busload of Chinese tourists?
Martin: Well, we spent all this money on opium, now they don’t wanna do the opium. I just don’t see we have any other choice.
Jafar: We do! We do have another choice!
Martin: (picks ear with gun barrel) What’s that?
Jafar: We could let them go.
Martin: Nah, too late for that. Already robbin’ ’em. Hey, shortie! Empty your pockets!
(A small old Chinese man takes out his wallet..)
Martin: Nice and slow, Kung Fu. I don’t want any funny business.
(The leader of the group steps forward once more..)
Old Chinaman: Sir, are you Chinese as well?
Martin: (rolling his eyes) Yeah, I’m just like you. Noodles, noodles, noodles. Gimme your money!
Old Chinaman: If you are Chinese, your parents must have raised you like mine did me. The ways of Buddha are not the ways of the life path you have chosen for yourself.
Martin: Wax on, wax off. Give me money!
Old Chinaman: (takes out his wallet) If it is money that you wish to acquire, you may have mine. It is merely an Earthly trifle.
Bennie: (stumbles over) Damn, this fucker’s wise as shit! He’s like Jackie Chan in that Will Smith Jr. movie, Surf Ninjas! Hey man, come do some opium with me and tell me some more of that wise stuff.
Old Chinaman: (smiles) No, thank you.
Martin: (thumbs through the leader’s wallet) Holy bejeezus, there must be fifteen G’s in here! Jafar, let everybody but Emperor Moneybags here go.
(The thirty-nine other tourists cheer and bound upstairs..)
Martin: So, Mr. China. What are you doing with all these shlamoleans? (he presses his nose against the old Chinese man’s cheek) What else have you been hiding from us?
Old Chinaman: I’m afraid I don’t know of what you speak.
Martin: All this cash. Fifteen thousand bucks! I’m rich!
Old Chinaman: (chuckles) Mr. King, I believe you are mistaken. Those are Yen. That stack equals out to about thirty American dollars.
Martin: (groans) Aw, I hate China!