King Family Residence – Episode 1.05
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 5 – “The Orphan”
Martin: Honey, I want another kid.
Osaku: (bolts up out of bed) What.
Martin: I want another kid. You know, another little bundle of joy to bring light into our otherwise dull lives.
Osaku: (rolls over on her side and hits the snooze button) I don’t think so, dear.
Martin: Aw, c’mon. Why not?
Osaku: Because we already have two kids, you don’t have a job and we don’t have a source of steady income. Should I keep going, ’cause I feel like that’s enough.
Martin: How ’bout one more.
Osaku: I don’t wanna give birth again. Childbirth sucks. Not happening.
Martin: What if I told you you wouldn’t have to lift a finger.
Osaku: I’d ask you what Colombian drug you just injected into your eyeballs.
Osaku: (rolls over again) Wait, what?
Martin: (pupils dilate and he begins to flopsweat) Whoa, bad trip!
(A couple hours later, after coming down, the couple continue their discussion over lunch..)
Osaku: An orphan?
Martin: Yeah! They’re already made! Potty-trained and everything! No bloody placentas or nothin’!
Osaku: (sets her tomato sandwich down and pushes it away) The fact remains, we don’t have the money.
Martin: Baby, this kid is gonna be money.
Martin: We’re gonna get us one of those little blonde, rosy-cheeked white girls. A Shirley Temple-type. She’ll tap dance and sing her way into America’s hearts and drag America’s hearts into our wallets!
Osaku: You can’t use a child for your own financial gain. That’s sick!
Martin: (frowns) LeBron James’ mom did it!
Osaku: (shakes her head) I’m not on board with this.
Martin: (cringes) Oh..
(A spritely young girl bounds into the kitchen, hugging Osaku and Martin..)
Bugsy: Mommy! Daddy! I’m home!
Osaku: (stares daggers at her husband)
Martin: (tepidly) Surprise.
Bugsy: ♫ Annnnd that’s why I love to eat chips! ♫
Osaku: (lying on the couch, clapping weakly) Wow, another song.
Martin: (plugs his camcorder into the computer) I’m puttin’ this puppy up on Youtube lickety-split!
Bugsy: I’m gonna go have a peppermint lollipop!
Martin: Whatever, Bugsy. Back in ten.
Osaku: (presses a frozen bag of peas to her forehead) Why did you name her Bugsy?
Martin: (shrugs) I dunno. It’s a 1930’s name, like Shirley Temple.
Osaku: Bugsy was a gangster’s nickname.
Martin: Well, kids like that gangster rap. The name stays.
Osaku: (mutters under her breath) It’s not even a girl’s name.”
Martin: (hollers) THE NAME STAYS!
Bugsy: (skips back through the living room toward the front door) I’m gonna go play in my trailer.
Martin: (hugs his new orphaned daughter) Alright, Bugsy. While you’re out there, try to think up a song about cookies. (turns back to Osaku) Kids still eat cookies, right?
Bugsy: (does an unnecessary pirouette) We love cookies! And lemon-flavored raindrops!
Martin: (turns back to his new Caucasian daughter) What the fuck are you on?
Bugsy: (thrusts a fist into the air) Mescalin! (runs outside)
(Kathie Lee mopes into the living room that night after school and slumps onto the couch next to Martin who’s watching COPS reruns..)
Kathie Lee: Hey.
Kathie Lee: What’s up?
Kathie Lee: Who’s that girl upstairs playing with Kato?
Martin: That’s your new sister, Bugsy.
Kathie Lee: Oh, okay.
Martin: Ooh! Night stick in the nuts! That’s gotta hoit!
(Kathie Lee and Martin high-five and laugh while Osaku finishes a bottle of wine in the kitchen.)
Bugsy: ♫ And the cookie thief was never seen againnnnnn! ♫
Martin: Wow, got pretty morbid there toward the end. Not sure you really had to kill the cookie thief.
Bugsy: (pouts) But he was stealing all the cookies!
Martin: (nods) Granted, but that doesn’t necessarily warrant cold-blooded murder. I mean, there’ll always be more cookies.
Bugsy: But he stole all of them!
Martin: See, that’s where you lost me. ‘Cause, did he steal all the ingredients to make more cookies too? I don’t see how one person could wipe out all cookies forever.
Bugsy: (red-faced) He’s the cookie thief!
Martin: (hollering) I KNOW HE’S THE FUCKING COOKIE THIEF!
Osaku: (enters the living room) Whoa, let’s take it down a notch Rodgers & Hammerstein. Honey, can I speak to you for a minute?
(Osaku leads Martin into the kitchen where an Amber Alert is flashing on the TV screen, accompanied by a photo of Bugsy.)
Martin: (holding his hands up) I can explain.
Osaku: Please do.
Martin: It wasn’t a kidnapping. It was a simple business transaction.
Osaku: A business transaction?
Martin: Yeah! Me and Bugsy are in this thing fifty-fifty.
Osaku: You brokered a business deal with a five-year-old girl?
Martin: She’s very savvy.
Osaku: Her parents are on the news, police are patrolling the streets and you’re putting videos of her on Youtube. How do you think this is gonna turn out?
Martin: Me on a yacht, rolling in money?
Kathie Lee: (leans on the kitchen counter) Dad, they’re going to arrest you for kidnapping.
Martin: (waves his hand) Oh, pshaw!
(There’s a knock at the door and Martin dives under the kitchen table..)
Martin: Tell them I’m dead!
(Osaku answers the front door and is greeted by a wide-grinned man in a fancy suit..)
Ricky: Are you Bugsy Raspberry’s manager?
Osaku: (frowns) Bugsy Raspberry? Jesus, Martin..
Martin: (sprints to the door in his socks and slides by on the hardwood floor before regaining his footing) Yes! I’m Bugsy Raspberry’s manager! Me!
Ricky: I’m Ricky Jinson! Hollywood super-agent!
Ricky: I’d like to offer your client a contract for one million dollars!
Martin: Holy smokes!
Ricky: (thrusts a contract under Martin’s nose) Sign here!
Martin: (blindly signs his name) Okey dokey!
(Local Rumford Constable George Bush sidles up next to Ricky and speaks to Martin..)
Bush: Martin, are you Sunny Meadows’ kidnapper?
Martin: (begins sweating profusely) No George, I’m Bugsy Raspberry’s manager.
Bush: Who’s Bugsy Raspberry?
Ricky: She’s the newest sensation that’s sweeping the nation! She can dance, she can act, she can do tricks–
Bugsy: (slides to the door in her socks, arms stretched wide) ♫ And I can siiiiiiiiiiiing! ♫
(Martin and Ricky applaud loudly and Constable Bush pulls Bugsy outside and cuffs Martin as Bugsy’s parents hug her on the front lawn..)
Mrs. Meadows: You monster! I hope you rot in Hell!
Osaku: Would you two be willing to drop the charges on my stupid stupid husband for, say, a million dollars?
Mr. Meadows: (drops his daughter and bolts upright) Fuck yeah!
Osaku: (turns to Ricky) Mr. Jinson?
Ricky: (winks) I’ll take it from here, Mrs. King!
(Ricky Jinson leaves with the Meadows’. Constable Bush shoves a finger in Martin’s face..)
Bush: No more kidnappings! This is your third warning!
Martin: (crosses his arms and pouts) Fine!
(Constable Bush leaves and Osaku turns to her husband..)
Osaku: Her name was actually Sunny Meadows?
Martin: (shrugs) Yeah, so?
Osaku: And you changed it to Bugsy Raspberry?
Martin: (rolls his eyes) She insisted on the Raspberry surname? I thought it sounded dumb.
Osaku: You are such an idiot.
Martin: (follows his wife inside) Hey, what if we got Kato into acting?
Martin: Why not? Everybody loves over-enthusiastic little Asian kids! He could be the next Data!
Martin: From The Goonies!
Osaku: (enters the living room, stops, turns around and walks right up, face-to-face with Martin) Is that a baby in our living room?
Martin: (grins) Gerber!