Totally Radical Sportz!

King Family Residence – Episode 1.05

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 04/27/2010

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 5 – “The Orphan”

Martin: Honey, I want another kid.

Osaku: (bolts up out of bed)  What.

Martin: I want another kid. You know, another little bundle of joy to bring light into our otherwise dull lives.

Osaku: (rolls over on her side and hits the snooze button)  I don’t think so, dear.

Martin: Aw, c’mon. Why not?

Osaku: Because we already have two kids, you don’t have a job and we don’t have a source of steady income. Should I keep going, ’cause I feel like that’s enough.

Martin: How ’bout one more.

Osaku: I don’t wanna give birth again. Childbirth sucks. Not happening.

Martin: What if I told you you wouldn’t have to lift a finger.

Osaku: I’d ask you what Colombian drug you just injected into your eyeballs.

Martin: Mescalin.

Osaku: (rolls over again)  Wait, what?

Martin: (pupils dilate and he begins to flopsweat)  Whoa, bad trip!

~~~

(A couple hours later, after coming down, the couple continue their discussion over lunch..)

Osaku: An orphan?

Martin: Yeah! They’re already made! Potty-trained and everything! No bloody placentas or nothin’!

Osaku: (sets her tomato sandwich down and pushes it away)  The fact remains, we don’t have the money.

Martin: Baby, this kid is gonna be money.

Osaku: What?

Martin: We’re gonna get us one of those little blonde, rosy-cheeked white girls. A Shirley Temple-type. She’ll tap dance and sing her way into America’s hearts and drag America’s hearts into our wallets!

Osaku: You can’t use a child for your own financial gain. That’s sick!

Martin: (frowns)  LeBron James’ mom did it!

Osaku: (shakes her head)  I’m not on board with this.

Martin: (cringes)  Oh..

(A spritely young girl bounds into the kitchen, hugging Osaku and Martin..)

Bugsy: Mommy! Daddy! I’m home!

Osaku: (stares daggers at her husband)

Martin: (tepidly)  Surprise.

~~~

Bugsy: ♫ Annnnd that’s why I love to eat chips! ♫

Osaku: (lying on the couch, clapping weakly)  Wow, another song.

Martin: (plugs his camcorder into the computer)  I’m puttin’ this puppy up on Youtube lickety-split!

Bugsy: I’m gonna go have a peppermint lollipop!

Martin: Whatever, Bugsy. Back in ten.

Osaku: (presses a frozen bag of peas to her forehead)  Why did you name her Bugsy?

Martin: (shrugs)  I dunno. It’s a 1930’s name, like Shirley Temple.

Osaku: Bugsy was a gangster’s nickname.

Martin: Well, kids like that gangster rap. The name stays.

Osaku: (mutters under her breath)  It’s not even a girl’s name.”

Martin: (hollers)  THE NAME STAYS!

Bugsy: (skips back through the living room toward the front door)  I’m gonna go play in my trailer.

Martin: (hugs his new orphaned daughter)  Alright, Bugsy. While you’re out there, try to think up a song about cookies.  (turns back to Osaku)  Kids still eat cookies, right?

Bugsy: (does an unnecessary pirouette) We love cookies! And lemon-flavored raindrops!

Martin: (turns back to his new Caucasian daughter)  What the fuck are you on?

Bugsy: (thrusts a fist into the air)  Mescalin!  (runs outside)

~~~

(Kathie Lee mopes into the living room that night after school and slumps onto the couch next to Martin who’s watching COPS reruns..)

Kathie Lee: Hey.

Martin: Hey.

Kathie Lee: What’s up?

Martin: Nothin’.

Kathie Lee: Who’s that girl upstairs playing with Kato?

Martin: That’s your new sister, Bugsy.

Kathie Lee: Oh, okay.

Martin: Ooh! Night stick in the nuts! That’s gotta hoit!

(Kathie Lee and Martin high-five and laugh while Osaku finishes a bottle of wine in the kitchen.)

~~~

Bugsy: ♫ And the cookie thief was never seen againnnnnn! ♫

Martin: Wow, got pretty morbid there toward the end. Not sure you really had to kill the cookie thief.

Bugsy: (pouts)  But he was stealing all the cookies!

Martin: (nods)  Granted, but that doesn’t necessarily warrant cold-blooded murder. I mean, there’ll always be more cookies.

Bugsy: But he stole all of them!

Martin: See, that’s where you lost me. ‘Cause, did he steal all the ingredients to make more cookies too? I don’t see how one person could wipe out all cookies forever.

Bugsy: (red-faced)  He’s the cookie thief!

Martin: (hollering)  I KNOW HE’S THE FUCKING COOKIE THIEF!

Osaku: (enters the living room)  Whoa, let’s take it down a notch Rodgers & Hammerstein. Honey, can I speak to you for a minute?

(Osaku leads Martin into the kitchen where an Amber Alert is flashing on the TV screen, accompanied by a photo of Bugsy.)

Martin: (holding his hands up)  I can explain.

Osaku: Please do.

~~~

Martin: It wasn’t a kidnapping. It was a simple business transaction.

Osaku: A business transaction?

Martin: Yeah! Me and Bugsy are in this thing fifty-fifty.

Osaku: You brokered a business deal with a five-year-old girl?

Martin: She’s very savvy.

Osaku: Her parents are on the news, police are patrolling the streets and you’re putting videos of her on Youtube. How do you think this is gonna turn out?

Martin: Me on a yacht, rolling in money?

Kathie Lee: (leans on the kitchen counter)  Dad, they’re going to arrest you for kidnapping.

Martin: (waves his hand)  Oh, pshaw!

(There’s a knock at the door and Martin dives under the kitchen table..)

Martin: Tell them I’m dead!

~~~

(Osaku answers the front door and is greeted by a wide-grinned man in a fancy suit..)

Ricky: Are you Bugsy Raspberry’s manager?

Osaku: (frowns)  Bugsy Raspberry? Jesus, Martin..

Martin: (sprints to the door in his socks and slides by on the hardwood floor before regaining his footing)  Yes! I’m Bugsy Raspberry’s manager! Me!

Ricky: I’m Ricky Jinson! Hollywood super-agent!

Martin: Wow!

Ricky: I’d like to offer your client a contract for one million dollars!

Martin: Holy smokes!

Ricky: (thrusts a contract under Martin’s nose)  Sign here!

Martin: (blindly signs his name)  Okey dokey!

(Local Rumford Constable George Bush sidles up next to Ricky and speaks to Martin..)

Bush: Martin, are you Sunny Meadows’ kidnapper?

Martin: (begins sweating profusely)  No George, I’m Bugsy Raspberry’s manager.

Bush: Who’s Bugsy Raspberry?

Ricky: She’s the newest sensation that’s sweeping the nation! She can dance, she can act, she can do tricks–

Bugsy: (slides to the door in her socks, arms stretched wide)  ♫ And I can siiiiiiiiiiiing! ♫

(Martin and Ricky applaud loudly and Constable Bush pulls Bugsy outside and cuffs Martin as Bugsy’s parents hug her on the front lawn..)

Mrs. Meadows: You monster! I hope you rot in Hell!

Osaku: Would you two be willing to drop the charges on my stupid stupid husband for, say, a million dollars?

Mr. Meadows: (drops his daughter and bolts upright)  Fuck yeah!

Osaku: (turns to Ricky)  Mr. Jinson?

Ricky: (winks)  I’ll take it from here, Mrs. King!

(Ricky Jinson leaves with the Meadows’. Constable Bush shoves a finger in Martin’s face..)

Bush: No more kidnappings! This is your third warning!

Martin: (crosses his arms and pouts)  Fine!

(Constable Bush leaves and Osaku turns to her husband..)

Osaku: Her name was actually Sunny Meadows?

Martin: (shrugs)  Yeah, so?

Osaku: And you changed it to Bugsy Raspberry?

Martin: (rolls his eyes)  She insisted on the Raspberry surname? I thought it sounded dumb.

Osaku: You are such an idiot.

Martin: (follows his wife inside)  Hey, what if we got Kato into acting?

Osaku: No.

Martin: Why not? Everybody loves over-enthusiastic little Asian kids! He could be the next Data!

Osaku:

Martin: From The Goonies!

Osaku: (enters the living room, stops, turns around and walks right up, face-to-face with Martin)  Is that a baby in our living room?

Martin: (grins)  Gerber!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: