King Family Residence – Episode 1.04
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 4 – “The Theater”
(Martin hits up Jafar’s Bazaar to tell his good friend about his latest foolproof scheme..)
Martin: We’re opening up a movie theatre!
Jafar: Not here. You cannot once again transform my place of business into the grounds for another of your wild ideas.
Martin: No, don’t be an idiot. We’re doin’ it in my garage.
Martin: Think about it, Jafar. The economy’s in the toilet, but Hollywood keeps chuggin’ along! We’ll be richer than those ladies who get impregnated by rappers!
Jafar: Is your garage big enough to house a large number of moviegoers?
Martin: Oh, who cares. You just cram a bunch of dopes in there and show ’em some lousy flick. Hoyt’s can do it, why can’t I?
Jafar: I believe the major difference between Hoyt’s and your garage is that Hoyt’s is legally allowed to publicly screen movies. You are not.
Martin: You always gotta find the negative in things.
Jafar: I am merely a realist.
Martin: You gonna be there for opening night, realist?
Jafar: When will this be?
Martin: Couple hours. Oh and you’re my refreshment guy.
(That evening, there’s a long line of people running down the Kings’ sidewalk waiting to get into Martin’s garage movie theater..)
Martin: Good turnout, huh Jafar?
Jafar: Yes, it is quite impressive.
Martin: Thanks for bringing the popcorn machine.
Jafar: Thanks for the two-and-a-half hour warning.
Martin: No problem. Say, you notice anything odd about this line?
(Kathie Lee joins Martin and Jafar on the front lawn..)
Kathie Lee: Like the fact that they’re all a bunch of skeevy old men?
(A man in a trench coat leers at Kathie Lee and she zips her jacket up higher..)
Martin: Yeah, you’re right dear. There is a high ratio of pervy-lookin’ dudes here. What’s up with that?
(One of the men in the line shouts at Martin..)
Pervy Guy: Hey! When does the porn start?
Kathie Lee: (runs inside, hollering over her shoulder) I’m going to Carol’s house.
Martin: (getting worried) What’s he talkin’ about, Jafar?
Jafar: I believe, by merely placing a sign that simply says “Theatre” above your garage, you’ve inadvertently rounded up all of the neighborhood weirdos and – again, inadvertently – tricked them into believing this is more of an “adult” garage movie theater.
Martin: Oh no! Pervs!
Martin: But I thought switching the “-er” to an “-re” made it classy! I wanted it to be classy!
Jafar: You wanted your garage movie theater to be classy?
Martin: This looked so much better on paper.
Jafar: Well, there’s only one thing to do now.
Martin: (glumly) Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ll go get a porno.
Jafar: (scowls) I was thinking more along the lines of getting all these weird men off your property.
Martin: (puts a hand on Jafar’s shoulder) Jafar, we’re an adult garage movie theatre now. You’ve gotta stop living in the past. (heads inside)
Martin: (comes back outside with two DVDs) What do you think, pal? Do these guys look more like “Cum-Guzzlin’ Sluts” or “Big Black Nasty Booty” fellas to you?
(Jafar clears the last of the pervs out of the Kings’ garage as Martin counts a large stack of money..)
Martin: Man, these guys like porn! I can’t believe we went through my whole collection in one night! I’m gonna hafta go buy some new shit for tomorrow night’s double feature!
Jafar: “Tomorrow night”? You’re doing this again?
Martin: What are you complainin’ about? You did well. They bought all your popcorn.
Jafar: I believe they bought more butter than corn.
Martin: Hah, gross. Jackin’ it.
Jafar: Don’t you have any moral values whatsoever, my friend?
Martin: Yeah, I got moral values. But, right now, I believe more in oral values.
Jafar: (blank stare)
Martin: (grinning) Get it? Because of blow jobs?
(Jafar heads toward the street with a bag of unfinished popcorn..)
Martin: Whoa, where do you think you’re going, buster?
Jafar: Throwing away this corn.
Martin: (shakes his head) No, no. Give to daddy.
(The second night at Martin’s Adult Garage Movie Theatre is even more successful than the first. By the end of their second week in business, Martin and Jafar have made thousands. Martin throws a pile of money into the air as Jafar dances happily in the garage..)
Martin: This is awesome!
Jafar: It is, my friend. It truly is.
(There’s a knock at the door and Martin raises the garage door slowly to reveal 6’9″ 255 lb five-time NBA Champion, three-time NBA MVP, twelve-time All-Star Hall of Fame guard Earvin “Magic” Johnson..)
Martin: Wow! Barry Sanders!
Jafar: Who is this “Barry Sanders”?
Earvin: No, it’s Magic Johnson.
Martin: Wow! Magic Johnson!
Jafar: Are you a magician, Mr. Johnson?
Earvin: No, I’m a basketball player.
Martin: What the heck are you doing in my garage, Magic Johnson?
Earvin: Well, aside from being a five-time NBA Champion, three-time NBA MVP, twelve-time All-Star and Hall of Famer; I’m also a movie theatre owner.
Martin: Cool! Me too! (raises his hand for a high-five that never comes)
Earvin: Lemme see your official Movie Theatre Owners Association (MTOA) ID card.
Martin: Oh, that’s…in…my…pants.
Earvin: (frowns) Well, go into your pants and get it.
Martin: I’m not wearing any pants.
Earvin: (glances down) Yes, you are. You’re wearing slacks right now.
Martin: (thrusts a finger into the air) Or am I?
(Martin rips off his pants, shoves them into a metal garbage can and sets them ablaze..)
Martin: Ha! Suck on that, Magic! How do ya like that trick?
Jafar: Now that is magic, my friend.
Earvin: I’m not an actual magician, you idiots!
Martin: (shrugs, heats hands over pants fire)
Earvin: You’re not in the MTOA at all, are you?
Martin: (looks down glumly) No, sir.
Earvin: Oh, Martin. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to shut this adult garage movie theatre down.
Martin: Magic, no!
Earvin: Sorry, buddy.
(Magic flips the circuit breaker switch, shutting off power to the Kings’ garage and their entire house. Osaku hollers from the house..)
Martin: (hollers back) Just a second, dear! Magic Johnson shut our power off!
Earvin: (claps his hands together) Well! Looks like my job is done here.
Martin: Sorry for the illegal porno theatre, Mr. Johnson. Just needed to get some fast cash. You know, the economy and all.
Earvin: (shakes Martin’s hand) I get it, man. I think you’re gonna do just fine, Martin King. You’re the real Hall of Famer.The Hall of Fame of Life.
Martin: (frowns) Not sure what that means; but thanks, Magic!
Earvin: No, thank you! And be sure to visit your local Magic Johnson Theatre for all the latest flicks!
Martin: Pretty sure those are all in California.
Earvin: (exits the garage, waving) Bye, fellas!
Jafar: (waves back) Goodbye, Mr. Magician! I wish you had done some tricks!
Martin: (shakes his head at Jafar) You just don’t get football, Jafar. Now get me a moist towelette so I can wipe all the AIDS off my hand.