King Family Residence – Episode 1.03
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 3 – “The Guest”
(Martin King is pounding a sign into the front lawn. His wife, Osaku, joins him outside..)
Osaku: “Room for rent”? What’s this?
Martin: We need money, babe. I’m renting out the extra room.
Osaku: That’s my office, where I do my crafts. You’re not renting out my office!
Martin: Babe, we all have to make sacrifices.
Osaku: Then why don’t you make a sacrifice and rent out your TV room?
Martin: I already made the sacrifice of pounding this sign into the ground. I’m not gonna make two sacrifices. Look at me, I’m all sweaty!
Osaku: No, you’re not.
Martin: This conversation’s going in circles. I’ve got renters to interview. We’ll talk about this later.
Osaku: Why can’t you make money like a normal person and get a job?
Martin: Meh. I tried that whole ‘job’ scene. Not my bag.
Osaku: Where am I gonna make my crafts now?
Martin: Those dry flower baskets?
Osaku: They’re potpourri bouquets.
Martin: (shrugs) I dunno, backyard?
Osaku: You want me to make my potpourri bouquets in the backyard? Like a dog?
Martin: (scoffs) I doubt a dog could make a dried flower basket!
Osaku: (blank stare)
Martin: Because they don’t have thumbs!
(After thirteen interviews, the final possible renter enters the King home..)
Martin: Martin King, pleasure to meet you. And you are?
Martin: Zacariah. That’s, like, from the Bible or something, right?
Zacariah: Chronicles 2. Chapter 26. Verse 5.
Martin: (nods) Oh yeah, love that chapter. Solid Bible chapter. Have a seat and tell me about yourself, Zac.
Zacariah: I prefer Zacariah.
Martin: Hoo, that’s a lot of syllables. (writes in his notebook, muttering to himself) Strike one.
Zacariah: I’ve just moved here to Rumford and I’m looking for a place to stay temporarily while I look around for a more…permanent situation.
Martin: Where are you from, originally?
Zacariah: I can pay cash up front.
(The men shake hands and Zacariah goes out to his car to get his things. Osaku is worried..)
Osaku: Honey, you can’t just let somebody live with us up and out of the blue. He could be a serial killer!
Martin: Dear, I don’t care if he’s a genocidal despot. Cash. Up. Front.
Osaku: If I wake up in the bathtub with my limbs chopped off, I’m blaming you.
Martin: (puts an arm around his loving wife) Sweetie, don’t fret. If he chops all your limbs off, you won’t wake up at all.
(That night Martin, Osaku & their kids, Kato & Kathie Lee, are joined at the dinner table by their new tenant, Zacariah..)
Zacariah: (turns to Kathie Lee) Can you please pass the butter?
Kathie Lee: (ignores him)
Martin: (looks up from his plate) Kathie Lee, pass our guest the damn butter.
Kathie Lee: No! He smells like fish and he looks like a rapist!
Martin: (bangs the table) Kathie Lee King! You apologize right now! We do not call people rapists in this house!
Zacariah: (chuckles) It’s alright, I’ve heard worse.
Martin: (frowns) Worse than ‘rapist’? Jeez, that’s pretty bad. Anyway, I’m sorry about that. I guess we’re all just still getting used to somebody new living in our house. It’s just that we’ve been a little strapped for cash ever since I was laid off.
Zacariah: Times are tough.
Zacariah: Martin, forgive me if I’m out of line. But do you mind if we conclude this fine supper your lovely wife made with a prayer?
Martin: (shrugs) Sure, I don’t see why not.
Zacariah: (holds out his hands to Osaku & Kathie Lee) May we all now join hands as we pray to the Earth God, Maydann.
Martin: Earth God, huh?
Kathie Lee: (leans back) Gross, no. I’m not touching him.
Martin: (slams his fists on the table) Dammit, Kathie Lee! Hold hands with this complete stranger while he prays to his Earth God, Madoff!
Kathie Lee: (cringes and reluctantly clasps hands with Zacariah as he begins his prayer)
Zacariah: Oh, Great Maydann. Giver of life. Slayer of the human beasts who soil your grounds. Vanquisher of the corporate oligarchy who sully your waters with pollution. Warrior of the spirit of…
(An hour later, Kato is asleep at the table, still holding Kathie Lee and Martin’s hands as Zacariah finishes..)
Zacariah: …and we bow our heads in prayer to you this day and honor your pure heart. Guide us with your vision and advise us in your wisdom. We love you. Amen.
Martin: (shakes Kato and he wakes up) Wow. That was one helluva prayer. (checks the clock) Um, it’s bedtime, I guess. Sorry kids, no TV tonight.
Kato: (whines) Aw man, I hate Maydann!.
Zacariah: (bellows) Don’t you EVER take the Great Maydann’s name in vain!
Martin: Kato! Bed! I’m sorry, Zacariah. I apologize. If there’s one thing I preach in this home, it’s religious tolerance.
Kathie Lee: (rolls her eyes) Dad, just last week you were railing about how the Jews run the government and have an underground lair where they keep all their secret Nazi gold.
Martin: (laughs nervously) What? What are you talkin’ about? I don’t even know what a Jew is! (smiles at Zacariah, throwing a thumb over his shoulder at his daughter) Kids.
(The next morning, Martin wakes up to find his wife is already up and out of bed. He heads down the hall and sees his kids are up as well. He hears some whispering coming from the living room and peeks his head in to find his wife, kids and dog are tied up in the center of the room, while Zacariah paces around them wildly, wielding a large knife..)
Martin: (enters, hands on his hips) Zacariah! What in tarnation do you think you’re doing!
Zacariah: (spins around, grinning) I must make a sacrifice to the Great Maydann! The blood of the polluter must be spilt!
Martin: (shakes his head, chuckling) Man, you love the Earth. Why don’t we just put the knife down.
Zacariah: No! The time is nigh!
Martin: The time is most definitely not nigh. Gimme the knife!
Osaku: (struggles, arms behind her back) You see what happens when you just let any stranger into your house?
Martin: Hush, dear! Not now, the men are talking. Gimme the knife, Z.
Zacariah: (points the blade at Martin) You want the knife?
Zacariah: You want this knife?
Zacariah: Here’s your lousy knife!
(Zacariah charges Martin, plunges the blade into Martin’s stomach and bolts out the window off into the woods..)
Kato: (jaw drops) Boy, look at him go!
Osaku: Honey, are you okay?
Martin: Well, other than the large knife jutting out of my guts, yeah I’m good.
Osaku: Are you being sarcastic?
Martin: Yes, I’m being sarcastic! Owwwwwww, it hurts! And that asshole didn’t even pay rent yet!