King Family Residence – Episode 1.02
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 2 – “The Cult”
(Martin King gets up and pours a cup of coffee while his wife Osaku leaves for work..)
Osaku: We’re gonna pound the pavement today, right Martin?
Martin: Yes, dear.
Osaku: You promised you’d have a new job by the end of the week.
Martin: Times is tough.
Osaku: I have faith in you, Martin. I know you’ll find something.
Martin: Thanks, dear. Have fun at the slaughterhouse. Bring home the bacon.
Osaku: I will, dear. You try to do the same.
Martin: What? No, I mean like actual bacon. Bring me bacon.
(Later that morning, Martin is speaking with his good friend Jafar at his convenience store, Jafar’s Bazaar..)
Martin: I need money bad, Jafar.
Jafar: Times are tough, my friend. The economy is presently in turmoil.
Martin: Yeah thanks, Lou Dobbs. (hollers over to the freezer section, where local meth head Bennie is standing) Didja hear that, Bennie? I called him “Lou Dobbs!”
Bennie: Awesome, bro! (fills jacket pockets with ice cream bars)
Jafar: That is not my name.
Martin: I’ve been fartin’ around with this idea. What’s the one industry that, no matter the poorness of the economy, always succeeds and rakes in the cash?
Bennie: (hollers) Drugs!
Martin: (pauses) Oh shit, you’re both right. We’ll try that next week. No, I’ve got something even better. And nobody will have to see your weird, brown body!
Jafar: Why would I have been the one to do the pornographic film?
Martin: C’mon, dude. I’m Chinese. We swing short sticks. Nope, my plan is foolproof. This industry sees nothing but profit.
Jafar: What is this industry you speak of, my friend?
Martin: (beaming) Cults, Jafar! Cults! You get a bunch of dopes to buy into your dumb hokey beliefs, break their spirits and then ya bleed ’em like gooses on hooks!
Martin: So, whaddya say Jafar? Can you close down the store for the afternoon?
Jafar: (sighs, flips the ‘Open’ sign around)
(After hitting up the liquor store parking lot, the adult bookstore and the public library, Martin and Jafar are distributing fliers and speaking with people outside the DMV..)
Martin: (walking briskly over to Jafar, waving his fliers in the air) That’s twenty! Twenty dopes!
Jafar: Stop calling them ‘dopes’ when they are still within earshot, Martin.
Martin: What do they care? They’re dopes! And besides, I’m gonna save ’em with my crazy, kooky cult!
Jafar: I also don’t believe you should have literally called it a cult on the flyer.
Martin: (gives the flyer a once-over) Where did I say that?
Jafar: (stares at Martin, points at the flyer) Right at the top where you wrote, “Come join Martin and Jafar’s Crazy Cult, you stupid dopes!”
Martin: (laughs) Oh yeah. I can’t believe the Kinko’s guy let me put ‘stupid’ on there.
Jafar: So what is the next step?
Martin: We need to build a compound.
Jafar: Do you have any land to build on?
Martin: (smiles) Let’s go back to your store and talk about that.
(When Martin & Jafar return to Jafar’s Bazaar, they find a team of construction workers erecting a giant wall around the parking lot..)
Jafar: You’re turning my store into your religious compound?
Martin: Our religious compound. You’re getting a cut.
Jafar: What kind of cut?
Martin: A third.
Jafar: A third? There’s only two of us!
Martin: Yeah, but it was mostly my idea. And I’m the one in economic turmoil. You’ve got your own store!
Jafar: Not anymore, apparently. (gets out of the car) I’m shutting down construction immediately.
Martin: (quickly gets out and stops Jafar) Whoa, you don’t wanna do that buddy. These guys are union. You mess with them, you’ll be in the wall.
Jafar: They’re ruining my store!
Martin: They’re securing your store! Ain’t nobody gonna steal anything now!
Jafar: Because nobody can get in! There’s a wall! Is there even a door on this abomination?
Martin: Yeah, it’s around the side. We don’t want any weirdos getting in there.
(Hours later, the wall is complete and the cult recruits file into the parking lot of Jafar’s Bazaar..)
Martin: (greets followers in a robe, arms outstretched) Welcome, my people. I am Martin! Your Chinese God!
Cultists: (applauds tepidly)
Teenage Cultist: (raises his hand)
Martin: Yes, my son?
Teenage Cultist: When does the concert start?
Martin: Um…I dunno, what?
Teenage Cultist: The concert! (rereads flyer) The Martin & Jafar’s Crazy Cult concert.
Martin: Oh, no. No no. We’re not a band. We’re a cult.
Teenage Cultist: (pauses) Like…a cult cult.
(The crowd dissipates drastically, only four recruits remain..)
Martin: (shoulders slump) Well, that sucks. All the cool hip young ones left. Now we’re stuck with these fat oafs.
(One of the fat oafs is offended..)
Fat Oaf #1: Hey! We’re standing right in front of you!
Martin: I’m gonna have to readjust my calculations, Jafar! Get me a calculator.
Jafar: Have one of your cult slaves get it!
Martin: (points at Fat Oaf #4) You there! Fetch me a calculatorium!
Fat Oaf #4: What?
Martin: Nevermind, I’ll just ballpark it. I need a hundred thousand bucks. Twenty people would’ve donated five grand a head. We’re down to four people. That’s…buh, buh, buh…mmm, twenty-five G’s a piece.
Fat Oaf #2: You want each of us to give you twenty-five thousand dollars?
Martin: (nods) Yuppers.
Fat Oaf #1: (scoffs) I wasn’t even gonna give five thousand!
Martin: Well, you can get the heck out, then! Now it’s fifty G’s! Boosh!
Fat Oaf #2: How exactly is giving you fifty thousand dollars going to help us?
Martin: (getting frustrated) You talk an awful lot for someone who’s been brainwashed.
Fat Oaf #2: Brainwashed? Who’s been brainwashed?
Martin: (throws his hands up in exasperation) Oh, c’mon! Jafar! I thought you brainwashed these dopes!
Jafar: I do not know how to do such a thing.
Fat Oaf #4: Stop calling us dopes!
Martin: Shut up, bozo! Jafar, it’s easy; you just throw ’em in a freshly-painted closet and once the fumes get to ’em, they’ll do whatever you tell ’em!
Jafar: That does not sound like it would work.
Martin: It’s how I met my wife.
Fat Oaf #1: I ain’t gettin’ in no paint closet!
Martin & Jafar: Shut up!
Martin: (takes Jafar aside) Buddy, we’ve got a major situation here. This cult idea of yours is not going as planned.
Jafar: This was your idea, my friend.
Martin: Let’s not play the blame game. Not now. Anyway, I don’t think we’re squeezing any shamolians out of these stupid dummies. Especially that one on the far right, I’m pretty sure he’s homeless.
Jafar: He does smell quite unpleasant.
Fat Oaf #3: (spits)
Martin: So I say we just rob these suckers, straight up.
Jafar: And how do you expect us to get away with such a crime? They will call the police. They’ve seen our faces and they know where I work.
Martin: (holds a finger up) Yes, but they’ve only seen our faces in robes.
Jafar: (blank stare)
Martin: Alright, I’m robbin’ ’em. Gimme your gun.
Jafar: I don’t own a gun, my friend.
Martin: C’mon, dude. You’re a convenience store clerk. Self-defense and stuff. All convenience stores have guns.
Jafar: I am a convenience store owner and I have no need for a weapon of any kind. I have never been robbed.
Martin: (points at Jafar) Oop, just jinxed yourself.
Jafar: I will go speak to the recruits and ask them to leave. You contact your construction crew and get this wall torn down.
(Martin enters the store while Jafar goes to speak to the four remaining recruits..)
Jafar: …and again, I apologize for the inconvenience. This was all a misguided attempt by my friend to elicit money from you all for his own self-gain.
Fat Oaf #2: (arms crossed) Well, it wasn’t very nice!
Fat Oaf #3: Do we still get robes?
Jafar: No, I am sorry. But I hope this doesn’t discourage you from visiting Jafar’s Bazaar in the future.
Fat Oaf #4: Do we get cult discounts?
Jafar: No, I’m sorry. Again, there is no cult. And I would greatly appreciate it if you didn’t discuss this entire escapade with any friends or family or officers of the law. It could hinder my business.
Fat Oaf #3: So, where will the cult meet now? Is there another compound?
Jafar: No, I’m sorry. I do not believe you are following. There is no cult. No cult.
Fat Oaf #4: No…cult?
Fat Oaf #3: So, yes cult.
Jafar: (exasperated) No, yes to no cult. No cult. Were you people brainwashed while I was away?
Fat Oaf #4: If we were, would you let us stay in your cult?
Jafar: No, there is no cult. No cult!
Fat Oaf #4: (pointing) Then why are you wearing that robe?
Jafar: (throws up his hands in defeat)
Fat Oaf #3: Can I pee here?
Martin: (jumps out from behind Jafar with a pistol) Stick ’em up!
(The next morning, Martin and Jafar are walking back to the Bazaar from the Rumford Police Station..)
Martin: Thank your wife again for bailing us out.
Jafar: (extremely pissed) Yes, funny that your wife never picked up when you called.
Martin: (eyes darting) Yeah, musta got our lines crossed. Funny thing. He he.
Jafar: (shaking his head) Yes. Hysterical.
Martin: Can’t believe they pressed charges. We didn’t even get to rob them!
Jafar: I still don’t understand where you found that gun.
Martin: I told you, man. Convenience stores. Every one’s got a gun.
Jafar: Well, not anymore.
Martin: You’d be surprised. I’ll poke around there later today. Listen, I should probably tell you: I got a call from Pretty Ricky while we were in the bing.
Jafar: Is that one of your mobbed-up construction buddies?
Martin: Yeah. Anyway, he said they got a little overzealous when they were tearing down the wall last night.
Jafar: Oh my God.
Martin: Do you know what that word means? Overzealous? Sounds Portuguese.
(Martin turns his attention to where Jafar is staring in shock, mouth agape. Where the Bazaar once stood, it is now a completely level vacant lot..)
Martin: Okay, I know what that word means now.
(Martin begins kicking around the dirt and rubble..)
Jafar: What are you doing?
Martin: Looking for the bill. Ricky said he left it around here somewhere. Here it is. (picks it up, dusts it off, scans it) Fifteen hundred dollars. Whooo, guess we should’ve robbed those dopes after all. (hands Jafar the bill) Think you can owe me? I’m a little light this week. Spent my last unemployment check on robes.
Jafar: (single tear)