King Family Residence – Episode 1.01
“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”
Episode 1 – “The Bonus”
(Rumford, ME — Martin King is hard at work in his cubicle at ACME Shareholdings Inc., when his boss hollers at him..)
Mr. Jackson: Martin! Get in my office!
Martin: (hustles in) Yes, sir?
Mr. Jackson: Martin, I’ve got great news!
Martin: What is it, sir?
Mr. Jackson: You’re getting a bonus!
Martin: (pumps fist) Alright!
Mr. Jackson: Why, it’s the biggest bonus I’ve ever seen!
Mr. Jackson: You’re getting bonused harder than anyone’s been bonused before!
Mr. Jackson: Go out there and spend that money today!
Martin: Cool! I can’t wait to tell my family! (starts rushing out the door)
Mr. Jackson: (hollers) Martin!
Martin: (spins back around)
Mr. Jackson: (points, grinning) Bonus!
Martin: (two thumbs up)
(Martin rushes home and shepherds his family into the living room..)
Martin: Gather round family, gather round.
Osaku: (drying a dish) What is it, dear?
Kato: What is it, Pop?
Kathie Lee: (slumps on the couch)
Martin: I got a big bonus!
Kato: (thrusting fists in the air) Alright!
Osaku: (hugs her husband) Oh Martin, that’s wonderful!
Kathie Lee: (twirls gum on her finger)
Osaku: How big a raise is it, dear?
Martin: (shrugs) I dunno, but Mr. Jackson said it was the biggest bonus he’s ever seen!
Kato: Wowzers! It must be for like a kajillion bucks!
Martin: (chuckles) It might be, son. It might be.
Martin: (hugs his family, forcing Kathie Lee into the hug, then stands before them, hands on his hips) Now…let’s go buy some shit.
(After a full day of shopping, the Kings arrive back home with a trove of treasures. A new Subaru Outback, towing a brand new speedboat; a big screen Blu-Ray TV; a year’s supply of Cup-A-Noodles, Martin’s favorite; and a brand new mastiff named Hurl. Kato named the dog. As they enter the house that Martin declared they would soon be moving out of, after buying the old Pilate House on Cherry Hill, the message machine is blinking..)
Martin: (presses play button, stands there listening, beaming from ear to ear)
Mr. Jackson: Martin! It’s your boss, Mr. Jackson!
Martin: Hey hon, it’s Mr. Jackson!
Osaku: (smiles from the kitchen as she tries on her new pearl necklace)
Mr. Jackson: Yeah, sorry to tell you this over the phone. But it turns out the Feds caught wind of a little embezzling snafu of mine.
Martin: (crinkles his nose) ‘Embezzling snafu’?
Mr. Jackson: So, as it turns out, you won’t be getting that incredible bonanza of a bonus after all. And also the company’s going under and you’re fired and your secretary is suing you for harrassment. Bye!
Martin: (drops his brand-new diamond-studded crown, collapses backwards onto the couch) (couch leg breaks, pushing Martin off to the left slightly)
Osaku: (enters the living room) Honey, what did Mr. Jackson want?
Martin: Huh? Oh, he, uh, just wanted to congratulate me again on my bonus.
Osaku: (smiles) What a sweet man.
Martin: Yeah, um, I’m gonna go see Jafar. Tell him…the good news.
Osaku: Be sure to be back in time for dinner. We’re having steak-stuffed golden lobsters!
Martin: They have golden lobsters?
Osaku: In Australia they do!
(Martin drives down to the local country store, Jafar’s Bazaar, run by his good friend, Jafar al-Abin..)
Jafar: Hello, my friend.
Martin: Jafar, can you shut this place down for a while? I need your help with something.
Jafar: What is wrong, my friend?
Martin: I just got shitcanned after going on a spending spree after my boss told me I was getting a major bonus.
Martin: It’s not funny, Jafar!
Jafar: I am sorry, Martin. But in my country ‘bonus’ means male genitalia. So the phrase “major bonus” is amusing to me.
Martin: Oh. Well, I can see why that would be funny. Jeez, I hope that’s not what Mr. Jackson meant by it.
Martin: No matter. Jafar, I need to make some quick cash by sunrise or my family’s going to disown me.
Jafar: They would not do that to you.
Martin: They’re eating lobster, Jafar. Golden lobster!
Jafar: We must go.
(Later, at the dog track..)
Martin: C’mon, puppies! C’mon pooches!
Jafar: (checking a stack of tickets) Lost another one, Martin.
Martin: (tosses his tickets to the ground) Dammit! Now I’m even more in the hole!
Jafar: Perhaps suicide is an option?
Martin: Nah, my life insurance is for shit. Say, I’ve got an idea. Jafar, humans are faster than dogs, right?
Jafar: I do not know this to be true.
Martin: And I still have that dog costume in my trunk, right?
Jafar: I know of no such costume.
Martin: (grinning) Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Jafar: Most likely, no.
(Minutes later, Martin is entering the dog-costumed Jafar in the final race of the day..)
Martin: Alright, Jafar. You run like the wind and I’m gonna go put my remaining cash all on you.
Jafar: This is not a wise decision, my friend. I still have that major leg wound from the war.
Martin: I’ve said it a million times, Jafar. Desert wars don’t count!
Dog Track Employee: (wanders over, shaking his hands) Whoa, whoa. Where do you think you’re goin’, buddy?
Martin: Gambling. On dogs?
Dog Track Employee: No, no. I don’t think so. Owners can’t bet on their own dogs.
Martin: (crosses arms grumpily) Well, that’s wack!
Dog Track Employee: Yeah, sorry. But we wouldn’t want to sully the good name of our sport.
Martin: The sport of…dog racing?
Dog Track Employee: Yup. Have a fun race!
Martin: Well shit, Jafar. We need somebody to bet on you.
Jafar: If we win the race, do we not receive a monetary prize?
Martin: Yeah, but it’s only for a hundred bucks. That won’t even cover one golden lobster. Say, this chap over here looks like a trustworthy fellow.
Jafar: The homeless gentleman?
Martin: Look, Jafar. You can’t be so discriminatory. Just because he’s not in his house right this very second doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one somewhere.
Martin: (wanders over to the bum) Excuse me, sir. Would you be willing to wager all of this money here on my friend?
Bum: The one in the dog suit?
Martin: (laughs nervously) What? No. Dog…suit? No, that’s a dog. A real, live dog.
Bum: Why’d you call him your friend?
Martin: Because he’s man’s best friend.
Bum: Thought that was diamonds.
Martin: What? No, that’s women. Will you just take all this money and wager it on my friend, Jafar…the dog?
Bum: (takes wad of cash and sprints off into the woods)
Martin: Whoops, there he goes.
(Martin spins around just as the starter’s pistol fires. All the dogs are released and pile onto Jafar, tearing at his dog suit..)
Martin: (shakes his head, hands on his hips, watching the carnage) That is still a very convincing suit.
(Late that night, Martin trudges home after dropping Jafar off at the emergency ward. Osaku is waiting up for him..)
Osaku: Where have you been, Martin Lanyard King?
Martin: (slumps down on the couch) Dog track. Honey, I’ve got a confession to make. I was laid off, I didn’t get that bonus after all.
Osaku: (nods) I figured as much when those repo men came and collected all our new stuff.
Martin: Even Hurl?
Osaku: No, they left the dog. They were refreshingly kind repo men. Way sweeter than the others we’ve dealt with.
Martin: Crap, I hate that dog.
Hurl: (poops in the exact center of the living room)
Osaku: (hugs Martin) At least we still have each other.
Martin: (pats Osaku’s back) Yeah. Any golden lobster left?
Osaku: No, they took that too.
Martin: (glares at the front door) This just got personal.
Hurl: (eats poop)