Totally Radical Sportz!

Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks..

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 09/18/2009

Asschke

Bill Plaschke is an utter moron.

So far we’ve dealth with Dan Shaughnessy & Bob Ryan of the Globe. But, now that I’m out here in LA, there’s another inept past-his-prime/did-he-ever-have-a-prime? sportswriter to contend with.

Bill Plaschke.

Master.

Of.

The.

One

Word.

Paragraph.

Today, Bill Plaschke defends the Injuns.

Hihowareya?

‘Redskins’ is no honor, it’s an insult

I mean, Jason Campbell sucks. But jeez..

A group renews its legal challenge against the Washington Redskins, the most clearly disparaging nickname still in use by a team.

Oh, this is gonna be tons of fun. Tons of Fun – Also Plaschke’s nickname at the Bunny Ranch.

This topic wasn’t fresh in 1980. But you know what was? Snap bracelets!

Aw snap!

On a Saturday night in New York, the sports world vilifies Serena Williams for raining threats upon a line judge.

Jimmy Carter readies his race card..

Yet a day later across the river,

Across the New York/Washington D.C. River..

the same sports world celebrates a team

The ENTIRE sports world celebrates a mediocre football team that might finish fourth in its division this year. Ticker tape parades for all!

whose nickname is considered a threat to an entire ethnic group.

That ethnic group? Killer Tomatoes.

'Matoes

Redskins.

Dat’s racialist!

A pro football season begins with two noted players banished to the sidelines for “conduct detrimental to the integrity of, and confidence in, the National Football League.”

Vick’s dog fights are nothing compared to Daniel Snyder’s Native American fights. Pocahontas on a rape stand.

Gentlemen, start your Injuns!

Yet that same league supports a team whose entire identity is forged through a symbol of detrimental conduct known as racism.

Braves aren't racist though, right Jimmy?

Redskins.

Stop it, Bill! Your foul slurs fill my ears with hatred!

It remains one of the great mysteries in sports,

Who shot Adam Kennedy?

Stoic.

a 77-year-old crime that remains largely ignored and purposely unsolved.

Colambo will get to the bottom of it.

Oh, there's just one more thing..

How does a team from the nation’s capital, supported by a fan base of some of the nation’s greatest thinkers,

!!!!!!!

maintain a nickname that is the Native American equivalent to the N-word?

Navajo?

Redskins?

Yes, Redskins.

“It is the worst thing in the English language you can be called if you are a native person,” said Suzan Shown Harjo, a Native American writer and public policy advocate who is the lead plaintiff in one of the most compelling lawsuits in sports history.

What about fuckface? That’s pretty bad. How about cuntshitter?..

Seventeen years after challenging the Washington Redskins trademark, Harjo and six others have renewed their fight, petitioning the Supreme Court to examine a lower-court ruling that denied their challenge on a technicality.

The technicality being, “Fuck you, it’s a friggin’ football team.”

It was announced Monday that Harjo’s group will appeal the decision that their challenge was made too late and falls outside the statute of limitations.

Too late! You should’ve been offended immediately! You should’ve been snap-offended!

The Redskins, named in 1933, were registered as a trademark during a vastly different racial climate in 1967.

That climate? Cloudy with a chance of batoning.

These guys are a riot!

Harjo’s group challenges that, now and then,

Every once in a while. Whenever we feel like being offended. Ho hum.

the trademark violates the Lanham Act, which bars trademarks that “disparage” people living or dead.

Killer Tomatoes never die.

She’s on time.

Bill Plaschke’s turkey delivery girl just arrived.

Of the several high-profile Native American nicknames still alive in sports, nothing is more clearly disparaging than this one.

So cool your jets, Atlanta!

While the Braves, Indians, Chiefs and Blackhawks all describe a group of people, the Redskin is the clear slur of an individual.

Jim Chapahotchee of Shawnee, Kansas.

Look it up.

(/looks up Shawnee, Kansas phone listings..)

It is listed as “offensive” in most dictionaries,

“hilarious” in others

and as the name given an Indian hunter’s bounty in several historical publications.

“It is basically characterizing a person by their skin,” Harjo said. “How wrong is that?”

So wrong, Harjo. So wrong. Not as bad as characterizing a person by their bones, though.

The Elephant Man in the room..

The NFL and the Redskins counter with an argument found on Page 326 of the team’s media guide, citing that the word “Redskin” actually refers to the red paint used on the skin of Indian warriors.

Suck on that stipulation, ya damn Redskins! Er, Injuns. Uh, Chieftains..

A league spokesman said they stand by the Redskins in this battle and, in fact, the NFL has paid much of the Redskins’ legal fees.

Roger Goodell has shyster lawyer scalps lining the ceiling of his office.

Amazing, isn’t it, how the sports world demands civility and good conduct only as long as it doesn’t get in the way of tradition?

It sure is.

(/basks in amazingness)

When it comes to Native American mascots, insensitivity dies especially hard.

Dies by arrow wound, to be specific.

Chief Illiniwek has been banned from the University of Illinois,

And somewhere, a Leitch sheds a single tear.

yet fans still stand up during halftime of football games and chant his name during the traditional time for his appearance.

Those brave, racist souls.

Some fans at otherwise educated Dartmouth and Stanford, even though they have long since banned their Indian mascots, still show up at games with painted faces on their shirts.

And painted shirts on their faces. What a bunch of otherwise educated hooligans!

“People lose their sense of discernment when it comes to sports,” Harjo said. “With this particular issue, people just lose their minds.”

It’s almost as if their minds fall out of the open holes at the top of their heads.

Particularly in pro sports, and particularly in Washington, where one man’s insult has become another man’s birthright, and rationalizations run rampant.

We should start hunting the rationalizations to thin the herd. The US Army has sanctioned and even openly endorsed the wholesale slaughter of rationalization herds in the greater D.C. area.

Follow the 'Falo

It’s stunning how many people there will insist that the word “Redskins” pays tribute to Native Americans . . . even though none of those people are Native American.

Aren’t we all just a little Native American, deep down in the cocolds of our hearts?

“They say, ‘You’re being honored’ . . . we say, ‘We’re being offended,’ ” explained Harjo. “They say honored. We say offended. Then they just tell us to shut up.”

Shut up and deal the cards, Redcorn!

Unlike the Seminoles of Florida State, there is no tribe that supports “Redskin.”

Well there’s your solution, ya knuckleheads. Just start a Redskin tribe. Throw it up on Wikipedia. Who can dispute that?

Unlike with some other mascots such as Warriors, there are no Native American groups that are even lukewarm about it.

What about the Lukewarmahocs of Eastern Nebraska?

“All national Indian groups support us,” said Harjo, who is president of the Morning Star Institute, a Washington-based native cultural organization.

Well, seeing as how there are like five left, that couldn’t have been too hard.

There is, in fact, precedent for changing the Redskins mascot, as it has already been deleted from major-college sports with little impact.

Except for everybody who thought it sucked and was lame.

Miami of Ohio has become the RedHawks, and it didn’t seem to bother quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

‘Cause he’s dumb as a Redskin!

The University of Utah has become the Utes, who weren’t any less tough when they nearly stole a national football championship last year.

Thieving Mormons..

The name can be changed.

No it can’t.

The name should be changed.

No it shouldn’t.

There is not a bigger certifiable slur in sports.

What about “Buffalo Bills?” That’s offensive to nineteenth century Cowboy showmen.

There is nothing even close.

Atlanta Braves is pretty close..

And don’t even try to compare this to the Fighting Irish, OK?

Or I’ll break a whiskey bottle over your head, ya Blarney Stone-kissin’..

If you saw a Native American on the street, would you call that person a redskin?

If their name was Redskin Jones..

“It’s like putting Aunt Jemima on a helmet,” Harjo said.

Vince Wilfork’s tried that.

Fat Vince

There has long been an argument that young native Americans don’t mind being used as sports symbols, but Harjo isn’t buying that as a factor.

‘Cause fuck those Indians! I’m talking about these Indians.

“Lots of people are saying, ‘Just let us have our gambling and we’ll stay out of the way,’ ” she said. “That doesn’t make it right.”

Makes it pretty sweet. But doesn’t make it right.

Some say Redskins owner Daniel Snyder will never make it right because it will cost too much money in merchandising.

And that man is strapped right now.

Snyder Sucks

But imagine the riches he would reap with new apparel.

He’d be richer than Jesus!

Some say NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would never dare mess with one of the league’s cornerstone franchises. But what better way to cement his growing legacy as a curator of equality and fairness?

Wow, that’s what his legacy is? I don’t even have a snappy rejoinder for that.

Of course, it is a formidable task, fighting both men.

Both of the two remaining living Indians.

“We aren’t just fighting Coke, we’re fighting Pepsi backed by Coke,” Harjo said.

Guess that makes the UFL RC Cola.

RC what I'm sayin'?

And, indeed, it is a fight they lose every day.

Stupid loser Indians. Why don’t you go back to India??

“We are the invisible population,” she said of the approximately 4 million Native Americans. “So racism against our population is also invisible.”

Who said that?

Then again, there is this:

The original lawsuit was filed in 1992, after the Redskins’ Super Bowl victory over the Buffalo Bills. At the time, the Redskins had appeared in four Super Bowls in the previous 10 years.

In the 17 years since, they have appeared in exactly zero Super Bowls.

Curse of the angry attention-whore probably half-Indian!

Hail to the what, exactly?

Hail to the Patriots, bitch.

bill.plaschke@latimes.com

twitter.com/billplaschke

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