Totally Radical Sportz!

Dan Shaughnessy Sucks..

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 08/24/2009

Life-Hater

I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you that Dan Shaughnessy is not my favorite sportswriter.

In the last two weeks, he’s written five columns; three of which are like the one you’re about to not read. A collection of assorted thoughts. A Shaughnessy Smorgasbord. I hope this lack of shoving his worthless thoughts down our throats doesn’t mean he’s writing a book or something. ‘Cause you just know his people are gonna mail it to me and make me write a blurb for the back flap..

Hot Shots from the Fenway Blast Furnace

“A blast furnace is a type of metallurgical furnace used for smelting to produce metals, generally iron.”
Not sure what Danny’s goin’ for with this title. The Red Sox are rich in iron? Our team smelts this year? Shaughnessy’s quitting sportswriting for a career in metallurgy?

Things we learned from the weekend of the Yankees’ final regular-season visit to Fenway.

■ Apparently Josh Beckett’s problems with command can’t be blamed on having Victor Martinez as a catcher.

Guess I’ll have to change the title of my 2009 Sox retrospective, Blame It on the ‘Zuelans.

With Martinez playing first base, the aptly-named Bronx Bombers hit five homers off Beckett in last night’s 8-4 loss.

And Bill Buckner plotted 9/11 with the Nazis!

What the Fuckner?

It was the first time in Beckett’s career he’d given up five homers in a start. Beckett became only the second Sox pitcher to give up five homers in a Yankee game. Dennis Eckersley turned the trick in 1979.

With a mustache like that, I have a feeling Eck turned lots of tricks..

Aww, yeeyahhhh!

Gene “Plane Ticket to Jerusalem’’ Conley yielded four in 1961.

There but for the graces of Google, go I..

“In 1962, Gene Conley and Pumpsie Green hopped off a Red Sox team bus in New York and made tracks for the nearest watering hole. Before the bender was over, Conley had purchased a plane ticket to Jerusalem. If he’d had a passport with him that day, Conley still might be in the Holy Land.”
That’s actually an awesome story. Why don’t you write about stuff like that more often, Shaughnessy? I had to go to some greasy encyclopedia site that might’ve given my computer H1N1. Good thing I do this stuff at work..

Beckett never makes excuses and characterized this outing alternately as a “[butt]-whipping’’ and a “[butt]-whooping.’’

Well make up your mind, Josh! In fact, just show Dan your butt. He’ll be able to discern. He knows whip lashes when he sees them. Bob Ryan’s back is covered in them.

“Those are the only words I’ve got to sum it up,’’ he offered. “Today’s on me.’’

Yeah, thanks Josh. ‘Cause I was gonna blame Brad Mills. Horrible bench coaching this weekend, Brad. You gotta hand out those sunflower seeds quicker or this season’s a wash!

■ President Obama has summoned Jim Rice and Derek Jeter for a Beer Summit on the Vineyard today.

Derek’ll settle for a nice Fresca, thank you very much.

Maybe Rice should go back to not talking to the media.

So we can shit him all over him again for not talking to the media.

Ahhh, the good ‘ol days..

■ Something tells me Jonathan Papelbon isn’t the guy John Calipari hired to take the SATs for Derrick Rose (see his comments on Billy Wagner).

A star closer annoyed by a team bringing in another closer? SHOCKING TWIST!

Seriously, though. Billy Wagner? Billy Gosh-Darn-McGillicuddy Wagner??? Didn’t they amputate his arm? The man at the helm of some of the biggest late-season chokejobs in the history of baseball? Why would any team in the playoff hunt in their right mind hire a former Met? What kind of experience does Billy Wagner bring to the table? Is he just gonna get into a pants-wetting contest with Pap?

That’s not how you blow a save! This is how you blow a save!”

/blows save

■ Over a three-year span, CC Sabathia has won his last 11 August decisions.

He’s the greatest August pitcher since the invention of August in late July 1973.

■ If you are a Red Sox fan, Hideki Matsui is the last batter you want to see with the game on the line.

After Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez & Mark Teixeira. And sometimes Johnny Damon. And Albert Pujols, once they trade for him next season.

In three games over the weekend, Godzilla hit four homers and knocked in nine runs.

Only one solution: We gotta sign Mothra.

Monster Porn

For he is friend to children.

■Kevin Youkilis is the Red Sox MVP thus far this season.

(Still thinks ‘Coby & Bay are having better seasons..)

Youk doesn’t like questions about the division race or the wild card. He’s a day-to-day thinker.

And when it’s lunchtime, he’s a chew-to-chew eater.

■ The second through seventh batters in last night’s Yankee lineup all have at least 19 homers and 62 RBIs. “Every time we made a mistake, they made us pay for it,’’ said Sox manager Terry Francona.

This bulletpoint gave me nothing. The Yankees are good. The Boston manager reiterates this and attributes our loss to them playing better than us.

■ Michael Bowden’s stock is dropping.

Sox Market

SELL! SELL!

He was put in a tough position Friday night, but that wasn’t much of a showcase. It’s way too early to make any kind of call on young Bowden,

Unless you’re making the call that his stock is dropping.

but the Sox have demonstrated a tendency to overvalue some of their pitching prospects.

■ Francona is not afraid to tell you that he wants Jason Varitek catching Beckett and Jon Lester.

But I can still smell the fear on him. Smells like a musky fecality.

He’s also not shy about benching David Ortiz against Sabathia even though Big Papi is on a tear and is 7 for 23 (.304 lifetime) against the big lefty. The manager looked like a genius with Rocco Baldelli and Varitek in the lineup last night. Baldelli and Varitek stroked back-to-back two-out RBI hits in the second inning.

That meant nothing in the long run. GENIUS!

■ Baldelli’s hitting music is Hendrix’s “All Along The Watchtower.’’ Gotta love that.

Or don’t. It’s your choice, America.

■ The irrational booing of Johnny Damon at Fenway will never stop.

Until we murder him and hang his rotting corpse on a sign above I-95 as a warning to others.

■ Good guy Tommy Harper jokes about going all Tonya Harding on us, but he’ll keep coming to the park and rooting for Jacoby Ellsbury until the kid breaks Harper’s club stolen base record (54).

Then he’ll break his kneecaps.

Why me? Why now??

Ellsbury reached on an error in the first last night, but he was caught stealing when he misread Sabathia’s slide-step. Let’s hope Ellsbury’s quest doesn’t drag out like the Yaz (3,000 hit) Watch.

■ You can’t blame general manager Theo Epstein for lack of aggressiveness since the end of July.

His gorilla suit’s in the wash.

The Sox are still paying for not paying Mark Teixeira last winter, but that decision was made by owner John Henry. Theo’s been working overtime since the trading deadline.

■ The Sox and Yanks are both tough to beat when they score 14 runs.

Say it ain't so, Joe!

■ We missed Bob Lobel last night.

But he was too busy buying a plane ticket to Jerusalem with Pumpsie Green..

It would have been a good night for Lobie to air tape of John Smoltz smothering the Padres and ask, “Why can’t we get players like that?’’

Why can’t we get players who kick ass against lesser competition?

■ A.J. Burnett looks like a head case.

Nah, just Texan.

Soft. Easily unraveled. And let’s not hear any more about a communication gap with catcher Jorge Posada. Mariano Rivera seems to have done just fine with “Hip-Hip, Jorge.’’

NBN

■ Who’d have guessed Junichi Tazawa would outpitch Beckett in the series?

Gene Conley?

Tazawa looks very hittable, but the kid is not afraid to throw any of his four pitches on any count.

He’s really shitty, but he’ll just huck it in there.

■ “Sweet Caroline’’ jumped the shark about two years ago.

Ayyyyyyyy!!

■The season series stands at Red Sox 9, Yankees 6, with three to play in Yankee Stadium next month.

“Early on, we were the better team,’’ said Sox left fielder Jason Bay. “Sometimes, it’s just who is the better team at that moment.’’

First, we were good. Then, they were good. Later, one of us will be good; depending on who is good at the time.

Right now, the better team is the Yankees.

Say it ain't so, Joe!

They’ve won six of the seven against the Sox since Aug. 6. It would be nice to see the Sox and Yankees face one another in the ALCS again. It hasn’t happened since 2004 (remember that one?), but if the season ended today, the Division Series would pit the Sox against the Angels and the Yankees against the Tigers. Detroit is clearly the weakest of the four prospective American League playoff teams and it’s hard to imagine the Yankees losing to the Tigers. The Angels are better than they’ve been in other years when they played the Sox in October, but Mike Scioscia’s guys always dissolve when they come to Boston for the playoffs.

They’ll probably fly to Jerusalem by mistake, anyway. The drunk assholes..

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