Dan Shaughnessy Sucks..
I dislike Dan Shaughnessy. Quite a bit. Being a New England sports fan, a Mainer, I like to read about the good times (2004) not the bad (1986). But Mr. Shaughnessy made quite a comfortable living out of a curse of his own creation. He’s a New England sports alarmist. He’s uncomfortable with success. He revels in failure.
Over at TRS’s sister site (lol, gay) http://www.lowposts.com, I’ve been known to write an article or two lampooning Senors Shaughnessy, Ryan & Plaschke (as I now live in LA), FJM/BDD-style. But as lowposts is a basketball site, plenty of non-basketball-related, equally terrible columns penned by these fine gentleman go by the wayside. Or, in Bob Ryan’s case, the weighside.
Previous entries, without pictures were to be found on my shitty personal site, www.ethanbooker.com. But Word documents suck.
Now, TRS is proud to introduce its first non-ridiculous photos with no comments feature: Dan Shaughnessy Sucks. To be followed, I’m sure, by Bob Ryan Also Sucks & Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks.
To the holy unbridled anger!
Been awhile since I did a non-basketball Shaughnessy column. Felt like gettin’ at him today, so here ya go.
Today’s column is more of a column loaf. Shaughnessy does these from time to time when he’s too busy carving ‘Buckner’ into his soft, fleshy forearm to worry himself with full columns and coherent theses.
To the FuckYouMobile!
Pieces Coming Together
Picked-up pieces while wondering if anyone else thinks it’s a coincidence that Babe Ruth (1948) and Elvis Presley (1977) died on this same day. The Sultan and the King . . .
They must have planned it. A fifty-three year-old Babe must’ve called a young thirteen-year-old Elvis to his deathbed as he lay dying of pneumonia, to tell him that they must both die on August 16th, for the prophecy told him so. BUT THERE SHALL BE A THIRD! One more must perish on the sixteenth in order to fulfill The Royal Order. And that man is?.. Michael Dukakis. The Sultan, The Duke & The King. The Duke’s killer? His cousin, Olympia, of course. DUN DUN DUNNNNN!
And who made that incredible prophecy?
■ Bronson Arroyo is Bill James’s kind of guy.
Wails on his electric guitar and bangs loose Cincinnati women. Bill James loves that shit.
Arroyo told USA Today last week that he regularly takes supplements not approved by Major League Baseball.
Key to getting solid quotes from professional athletes? Get them toasted. Niiicely toasted..
Here’s part of James’s recent manifesto on the topic of steroids: “Drugs like steroids will not disappear from our culture.
Unlike the testicles of the steroid users.
It will grow,
Unlike the testicles of the steroid users.
eventually to become so common that it might almost be said to be ubiquitous . . .
“Ubiquitous.” Good brand name for a steroid.
If we look into the future, then, we can reliably foresee a time in which everybody is going to be using steroids or their pharmaceutical descendants . . .
Backyard-Baby-Wrestling will become the norm. The cute norm.
You can like it or you can dislike it,
but your grandchildren are going to be steroid users.
Shaughnessy injects steroids directly into his hot-air-balloon-like head every morning.
Therefore, they are very likely to be people who do not regard the use of steroids as a moral failing . . .
FUTURE GRANDCHILDREN HAVE NO MORALITY!
With the passage of time, more people will come to understand that the commissioner’s periodic spasms of self-righteousness do not constitute baseball law.’’
Unless you’re Pete Rose, in which case you can fuck yourself running.
Interesting. James is listed in the Red Sox directory as “Senior Advisor/Baseball Operations,’’ on the same page with club “Director’’ George Mitchell.
Shush! Shut up, Shaughnessy! You wanna get us all killed? You don’t know how high up this goes!
Since the (“none of our guys ever cheated’’) Sox
This column was written on Sunday, August 16th, by the way. Just to remind everyone.
aren’t likely to sanction one of their own, I wonder if MLB might have a problem with a club official saying yes to steroids.
C’mon, like he’s the first. Omar Minaya can bench-press a Mini Cooper. And his balls are tiny.
Reached at his office and asked about James, Bud Selig said, “No comment.’’
But don’t you see, Bud? “No comment,” in and of itself is a comment.
■ Jerry Remy’s visit to Fenway Wednesday was another reminder of the bond between baseball communities and their favorite announcers. Not even the great Curt Gowdy and Ned Martin ever got this much love.
So fuck you, Ned Martin! Your grandchildren are gonna do steroids and LOVE IT!
The brave RemDawg has become as beloved in Boston as Vin Scully in Los Angeles
Which is hard to do, ‘cause Vin Scully is so electrifying.
and he does everyone a service by speaking publicly about his post-cancer depression.
I’d rather hear him speak about the time the guy got a pizza to the face.
■ It says a lot about big-time college athletics if Rick Pitino can survive at Louisville.
Unlike his unborn love-child.
All you have to do is win.
And fuck crazy women in Kentucky Italian restaurants.
Everybody has moments of indiscretion,
Everybody’s got an abortion or two under their belt.
but Louisville is supposed to be in the business of educating young people.
Trust me, Shaughnessy; I learned a thing or two.
University president James Ramsey says it’s time for everyone to move on and calls Pitino “our guy.’’
No use cryin’ over spilled fetii.
Huh? Alabama football and Iowa State basketball dumped coaches for far less.
Yeah, Alabama fires guys for bein’ black. Dodged a bullet there, Pitino!
Maybe the administrators in Louisville consider this a teachable moment. More likely, they just want to beat Kentucky. Pathetic.
■ Count me in for BC-BU hockey at Fenway Jan. 8.
What a horrible human being, cheating on his wife, impregnating a woman in an Italian restaurant bathroom and then—ooh, college hockey!
■ Years go by and we’re still talking about Ben Watson’s 100-yard takedown of Champ Bailey the night Champ picked off Tom Brady in Denver.
We are? I thought we were making hilarious abortion jokes.
It’s like Dave Roberts’s steal and Bernie Carbo’s homer. It has become the only play of Watson’s career.
Remember that awesome play in that game we lost? EXACTLY like Dave Roberts. Give that man a parade!
■ When you see Jason Varitek interviewed in front of his locker after games, he appears to be wearing one of the “Snuggies’’ advertised on late-night television.
My grandmother does the same thing. Old people just get chilly easier than we do.
■ Dumping Gatorade on the winning coach? The tradition is believed to have started with the 1985 Giants dousing Bill Parcells. Just as the Tuna gets credit for the Gatorade bath, you should know that our own Dennis Eckersley invented the now-overused term “walkoff.’’
Before Eckersley came along, when a player hit a game-winning homerun he would have to crawl around the basepaths on his hands and knees!
And the first touchdown celebration? In some books of lore, the author of end zone moves was speedy Giants wideout Homer Jones, who spiked the ball behind him when he caught TD passes in 1965.
Jack Buck was heard to exclaim that it was “a disgusting display.”
Jones invented the move because teammates Alex Webster and Frank Gifford had been fined for throwing the football into the stands after scoring.
So he invented the TD celebration by doing a different variation on his teammates TD celebrations? Wait a minute..
■ What’s more fun in the World Series: Pedro and the Phillies or Manny and the Dodgers?
Neither. The correct answer is Randy Johnson’s wattle and the Giants.
■ On this day in 1920, Cleveland shortstop Ray Chapman was hit in the head by a pitch from Carl Mays. Chapman died the next day.
But not before being fined and suspended five games.
Mays: “Now that’s what I call a battery!”
■ Looks like Joba Chamberlain will miss the Red Sox at Fenway next weekend. Rats.
Aw, phooey! What a load of crabapples!
Youk was just getting ready for another bull rush to the mound.
Oh LOL, Dan!
■ Wonder what brought Jeremy Jacobs out of the bunker. He was J.D. Salinger for a couple of decades, now he’s on the air more than Regis Philbin.
Tthat guy’s all over the place! And that’s my final answer!
■ Did anyone else notice what a fine job St. Louis did during All-Star week pretending Mark McGwire never existed?
Who’s this now?
Big Mac was like a Russian leader erased from the Kremlin walls when the midsummer classic came to the city by the Arch.
It’s almost like he did something wrong, lied to legions of fans and the franchise thought it in bad taste in the present climate to bring him up! What a world!
■ Not sure if Edgar Renteria and Matt Clement are still on the books, but the Theo Epstein administration has wasted way more than $100 million on the Lugos, Smoltzes, and other guys who were dealt or released with money still owed.
Final verdict on the Epstein Administration: Complete and utter failure. (Thanks for the two rings, though!)
■ Michael Vick on “60 Minutes’’ tonight is must-see TV.
Yeah, I’m sure he’s gonna go off-script and say something really interesting! Professional athletes do that all the time.
■ New parlor game for Red Sox fans: Will David Ortiz be a member of the team next year?
I was playin’ that parlor game last year, Shaughnessy. And I don’t even own a parlor!
■ Alex Rodriguez has successfully reinvented himself.
She is now Alexia, and you will refer to her as such.
It’s been all baseball since the spring training steroids fiasco. He has even kept his relationship with Kate Hudson under the radar.
Yeah, nobody’s heard about that one yet! And that’s my final answer! Wait, dammit..
But nothing really changes for the guy until he gets something done in October.
■ Truly sad to see softball axed again by the International Olympic Committee.
What will those lesbians do with all that free time besides dyke out on each other?
It’s easy to go without baseball in the Olympics – there’s no good time to stage a hardball tournament and we already have the annoying World Baseball Classic.
Only one annoying international competition every two years, please!
But softball players have few options once their college days are done.
That’s usually when girls hookin’ up with other girls starts going downhill anyway.
■ Wonder if Max Yasgur’s friends called him “Yaz.’’
Wonder if Dan Shaughnessy’s friends called him “Cuntfuck.”
Today was Day 2 of the festival in Bethel, N.Y., 40 years ago.
And I was there. Snorting peyote off of Stephen Stills’ cock.
■ Speaking of concerts, it’s nice to get a shout-out from Elton John, but if I were Bob Kraft, I’d ask Elton to play something other than “Tiny Dancer’’ next time he sends a song dedication in my direction.
I mean, who writes a song about midget reindeer anyway?! Elton John’s grandchildren should ponder that next time they shoot steroids into their retinas.
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at email@example.com.